Since I borrowed funny from Bad Santa yesterday so I could publish quickly and take care of my feverish child, I figured I would post an original Christmas story today. I think it’s funny, and I hope you do too. If you don’t, maybe it will at least explain a little more about why I think farts are so funny.
I grew up with two older brothers, and no sisters. Ok, that didn’t really require much explanation.
On to the story. My sister-in-law has collected Hallmark ornaments for years. She and her family used to go out early on Black Friday and get the best ones, although I learned this year, that they no longer do this. Maybe it’s because the crazy, aggressive shoppers have taken to injecting their Thanksgiving dinner with steroids and beating each other up for a bargain, or maybe she just filled up her tree. I’m not really sure.
I believe this ornament came out in 1992, although I think they got it a couple of years later, and it’s called Santa’s Answering Machine.
For those of you who are confused, an answering machine is an antiquated device that we used before we had voice mail on our cell phones. Some of these answering machines had actual cassette tapes to record the messages, and you had to physically be home to find out who had called while you were gone. Screening calls, or making someone start to leave a message and deciding if you wanted to pick up mid-message then have half of your conversation recorded, was the only way to avoid stalkers–no caller ID, kids. Yep, me and dinosaurs are old.
Sis opened up the ornament, maybe it was a gift that year, I can’t really remember all the details. She and my brother were trying to figure out how to record the perfect message to hang on their Christmas tree year after year. As they hit record for the first time, my oldest brother lifts his leg and rips one, loud and proud. It was a two-part fart. You know, the kind that starts with one short blast followed by a longer, louder more serious one? The kind that makes your Dad ask if you got anything on you. No? Just my family? Ok, then.
I immediately started laughing, while Sis was exasperated and said, “Hey, that’s onnnn there!” And that’s the message that is still there today: fart, girl laugh, and the reaction. We played it over and over again, and begged her to leave it there forever, which I’m sure still annoys her every time she puts up her tree. But, it really never feels like Christmas until I hear it–family tradition!
Long before there was Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, my family had Santa’s Stinky Sound Machine. It’s sure to be a family heirloom for my niece or nephew to proudly display on their own tree someday.