Black Beans Look Like Excrement–And Some Other Fears

I mentioned once that I’m scared of June bugs. Flying VW bugs that dive bomb me, fly into my hair and attach their creepy legs to my lips; what’s not to love about them? So, I made a quick list of some other things that freak me out.

Seemed like a fun Friday post.

  1. Black Beans: I know I’m not the only one who thinks that black beans look a lot like rabbit or sheep turds. My fear every time I open a can of them, is that somewhere, in the factory where they package most of my vegetables and legumes, that someone brought in a pocket full of sheep pellets to drop in the mix. I love black beans, but I worry sometimes that I’m enjoying some poo with my fiber.
  2. This show should be banned. credit: tvlistingszap2it.com

    Monsters Inside Me: This show makes my skin crawl. It makes me itchy and twitchy and the show is banned in our house after the one scalp-worm episode I was forced to watch. Maggots peeking out of hair follicles. I don’t think I really need to elaborate further.

  3. Creepy Baby Monitor Eyes: They have video monitors for your children now. They are wonderful because you can see them and hear them from anywhere in the house. The problem is baby demon eyes. Every time I see my sweet baby looking up at the camera with night vision eyes, I think for one brief moment that we have spawned a demon, and I turn the monitor off and go make sure she doesn’t need an exorcism. I think they had this scene in one of the Paranormal Activity movies, but I wouldn’t know because even the previews of scary movies give me horrible nightmares, and I don’t watch them anymore.
  4. Tanning Bed Glass: I don’t tan anymore, and I never really should have in the first place, because I can get a tan, but mostly I get freckles and sun damage. But, when I was still trying to deny my ginger genes, I would tan sometimes. Aside from the fear of being naked in a public place and the cell phone cam era, every time the tanning bed would creak with my shifting weight, I would start to imagine the glass cracking and my inevitable fall into molten hot glass bulbs with my naked lotion dripping ass. Some parts of us really don’t need artificial tans.
  5. Gerald’s Game: Stephen King fans will probably get this reference right away. If you haven’t read the book, I won’t spoil it for you, but handcuffs are never allowed in my bedroom thanks to this book.
  6. Driveways: This fear is rational, I believe. It doesn’t matter if I am backing out of mine, or walking across someone elses, I am hyper-aware of the fact that in a single moment of absent-mindedness, I could back over someone’s child, bike, stroller, puppy, or that someone could come tearing out of theirs and end everything I love in a single moment. Watch your driveways folks.
  7. Roaches: Other than June bugs, roaches are the only other bugs that make me jump, scream, and wave jazz hands. Usually because they come out of nowhere, and run so fast. Also, I’ve heard that they come up in the house from the toilet. Enjoy your next dump.
  8. Biking in the City: I just don’t enjoy it. Car smashes bike, and I keep mine off the road. No helmet or elbow pad is going to help when a car runs me down. Bike trails all the way.
  9. Guns: Specifically, a .22 with a trigger safety (I have no idea if this is the right description of the gun’s safety mechanism) that my Dad tried to teach me how to shoot with and to put on safety. I’ve threatened to tell this story, and I will some time, but this traumatic experience when I was 6 or 7 resulted in me not shooting another gun until I was 28 years old. There was a misfire, concrete ricochet and about 30 seconds where I was convinced that I had shot my Mom. I will overcome this fear eventually, but I will probably never hunt Bambi.
  10. Raw Chicken: I feel like I need to put on a hazmat suit to cook chicken. As a result, I am a pretty decent cook with a good recipe in hand, but I rarely make chicken, and everyone should have at least one great chicken dish. Please send me yours if you have one.

Anyone else have any perfectly rational fears they would like to share today?

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25 thoughts on “Black Beans Look Like Excrement–And Some Other Fears

    • Thanks for the recipe! Oh no, not teddy bears! I have to warn you about Vermont Teddy Bear’s biggest Valentine’s Day bear ever. Stay very far away from them! Thanks for commenting!

  1. Cats. They judge me and I can never tell what they’re going to do next. My exboyfriend left me his cat (bless him) and when I catch it staring at me late at night, I fear that it’s planning my death or going to steal my soul.

    • Hahaha, I have to agree with that assesment of cats. I kind of like cats, but litter boxes are too much for me. Nice of your ex to leave you his? What?!? I will send up a prayer for the safety of your soul!

  2. I don’t know if it’s fear so much as revulsion, but I can’t eat anything after finding a hair in it. This, too me, is the ultimate gross out. There is absolutely no way I could ever dine in one of those completely dark restaurants where the waiters wear night vision glasses. Who knows what could be lying in your food?!

    • Oh gag, I hate that too. If I ever ate at one of the dark restaurants, I would inevitably grab someone’s crotch on accident. M’am that is not a breadstick :) hahhahaha-sorry for that visual!

  3. Ok – 4, 7 and 9 had me in hysterics ;)

    Me – ‘living statues’… creepy supposedly solid objects with real eyes….(shudder) – reminds me of a piece of bronze sculpture on the wall in the Met in New York – it was a human doing a Spiderman impersonation and the artist had put ‘real’ eyes in it – you know, the ones taxidermists use… totally freaked me out (BIG shudder….)

    Oh and anything with more than 4 legs…particularly things that run at me. And spiders especially – the really big stripey hairy ones that live in our compost bin… that just reach a leg or three over the top to let me know they’re lurking just under the rim – ready to pounce on my hand if I reach in too much… Now they have me SHRIEKING and doing BIG jazz hands… Don’t get me started on woodlice – ewwww….

    The one about black beans and rabbit poo made me remember this… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Food_Defect_Action_Levels – totally gross….especially the chocolate one :)

    J

    • Yay! I love hysterics. Living statues with taxidermist eyes…agghhh…New York might not be a great place for me to visit! And that wiki link freaked me out and left me with a new favorite term–mammalian feces. Groooosssss!

  4. Roaches. I am completely on the same page with you on those little creeps. I grew up in the south, and so they were a normal part of daily life. I hate them so much. We had three different varieties in the south. The German Cockroach, the rare and elusive IDK what-the-heck roach, and then, everyone’s favorite, flying Palmetto Bugs. (they hiss and fly, yes they do!!) So, now I live in the Northwest. I haven’t seen a single roach in over ten years, and I am really happy about that.
    The parasite shows: I won’t watch them anymore, either. I really get the creeps for weeks after seeing any of that. NO.
    Earwigs: I know they have nothing to do with one’s ears, but ever since I saw three of them nesting in my daughter’s stuffed animal’s ears, (she forgot it outside for a few days) I am completely disgusted by those things.
    Itty bitty dogs with huge, crusty eyes. These are usually the Pekingese, Chihuahuas, and other small rodent-type dogs that are usually nice to their owners but wish to viciously bite the faces off anyone else. I am not really afraid of them, but let’s just say I suspect all of them to be mini-Cujo until it can be proven otherwise.

    • Hahaha! I love this comment. So many additions (shuddering at earwigs and southern roaches) and I’m so with you on the rodent Cujo dogs. Give me a big, goofy lab all day long. Bonus, mine eats bugs :)

  5. Great humor and a very funny post! :-)
    I’m someone who kinda enjoys morbid curiosity and getting grossed out, but I saw that show “Monsters Inside Me” and it seriously called my bluff! Yeesh!
    True story about roaches: I was in a diner looking at the sign on the wall advertising that day’s lunch specials, when I noticed at least a dozen roaches crawling out from behind the sign and then all over the sign. I quickly left, because suddenly nothing on the menu looked good…

    • Thank you! I kind of like gross stuff-the pic in your (really scary dog) post yesterday, for example, but this show is too much for me too. Hahahah-nothing looked good on the menu! That is awful.

      • And thank you as well! I think I may have lost most people with the really scary dog post, but hey, you win some – you lose some, and no big deal, cause that’s the blogging game for ya!
        Uhm… it’s tempting here to go into detail just how bad that show can be, but since many of us are still digesting our lunches, I think I’ll refrain from doing that. But for anyone who is incorrigibly morbid, try googling “Guinea worm disease” but don’t say that I didn’t warn ya!
        The “roaches on special” event was sooo bad that it was actually funny! (only because I hadn’t eaten yet) Most of all when after I saw the bugs, I asked the waitress to please read me the bottom line on the specials list, cause I was having trouble seeing it – the look on her face was priceless!

  6. I hate touching any raw chicken! Yucko! I would be a vegetarian if it wasn’t for my husband and restaurants. And Gerald’s Game freaked me out. Totally. I completely agree with what you said about driveways – I thought maybe I was alone always worrying that I was going to back over something. I love my Odyssey because it has the rear video camera.

Okay, you talk now.

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