I mentioned once that I’m scared of June bugs. Flying VW bugs that dive bomb me, fly into my hair and attach their creepy legs to my lips; what’s not to love about them? So, I made a quick list of some other things that freak me out.
Seemed like a fun Friday post.
- Black Beans: I know I’m not the only one who thinks that black beans look a lot like rabbit or sheep turds. My fear every time I open a can of them, is that somewhere, in the factory where they package most of my vegetables and legumes, that someone brought in a pocket full of sheep pellets to drop in the mix. I love black beans, but I worry sometimes that I’m enjoying some poo with my fiber.
Monsters Inside Me: This show makes my skin crawl. It makes me itchy and twitchy and the show is banned in our house after the one scalp-worm episode I was forced to watch. Maggots peeking out of hair follicles. I don’t think I really need to elaborate further.
- Creepy Baby Monitor Eyes: They have video monitors for your children now. They are wonderful because you can see them and hear them from anywhere in the house. The problem is baby demon eyes. Every time I see my sweet baby looking up at the camera with night vision eyes, I think for one brief moment that we have spawned a demon, and I turn the monitor off and go make sure she doesn’t need an exorcism. I think they had this scene in one of the Paranormal Activity movies, but I wouldn’t know because even the previews of scary movies give me horrible nightmares, and I don’t watch them anymore.
- Tanning Bed Glass: I don’t tan anymore, and I never really should have in the first place, because I can get a tan, but mostly I get freckles and sun damage. But, when I was still trying to deny my ginger genes, I would tan sometimes. Aside from the fear of being naked in a public place and the cell phone cam era, every time the tanning bed would creak with my shifting weight, I would start to imagine the glass cracking and my inevitable fall into molten hot glass bulbs with my naked lotion dripping ass. Some parts of us really don’t need artificial tans.
- Gerald’s Game: Stephen King fans will probably get this reference right away. If you haven’t read the book, I won’t spoil it for you, but handcuffs are never allowed in my bedroom thanks to this book.
- Driveways: This fear is rational, I believe. It doesn’t matter if I am backing out of mine, or walking across someone elses, I am hyper-aware of the fact that in a single moment of absent-mindedness, I could back over someone’s child, bike, stroller, puppy, or that someone could come tearing out of theirs and end everything I love in a single moment. Watch your driveways folks.
- Roaches: Other than June bugs, roaches are the only other bugs that make me jump, scream, and wave jazz hands. Usually because they come out of nowhere, and run so fast. Also, I’ve heard that they come up in the house from the toilet. Enjoy your next dump.
- Biking in the City: I just don’t enjoy it. Car smashes bike, and I keep mine off the road. No helmet or elbow pad is going to help when a car runs me down. Bike trails all the way.
- Guns: Specifically, a .22 with a trigger safety (I have no idea if this is the right description of the gun’s safety mechanism) that my Dad tried to teach me how to shoot with and to put on safety. I’ve threatened to tell this story, and I will some time, but this traumatic experience when I was 6 or 7 resulted in me not shooting another gun until I was 28 years old. There was a misfire, concrete ricochet and about 30 seconds where I was convinced that I had shot my Mom. I will overcome this fear eventually, but I will probably never hunt Bambi.
- Raw Chicken: I feel like I need to put on a hazmat suit to cook chicken. As a result, I am a pretty decent cook with a good recipe in hand, but I rarely make chicken, and everyone should have at least one great chicken dish. Please send me yours if you have one.
Anyone else have any perfectly rational fears they would like to share today?