Some Archer Quotes

Archer is a cartoon on FX.  Late night because it is intended for mature audiences.

I’ve talked about it before, but I don’t have a fun story to tell you today, so I’m doing another favorite quotes post. Since it is a quote page, I have not edited the language, so consider yourself warned.


Sterling Archer is the world’s greatest secret agent. He drinks a lot and this show is awesome. Watch it for yourself because my back story today is going to be weak.

H. Jon Benjamin is the voice of Archer and Adam Reed created it and produces it.

Pam is my probably my favorite character because she says the funniest and the grossest stuff. That’s my intro, and here are some of my favorite quotes:

  1. Lana: With your looks, maybe bitchy isn’t the way to go.
  2. Commander Kellogg:  Archer broke both of Wu’s arms while shouting, “woo!”
    Archer: Happy coincidence.
  3. Pam: This time really get in there. All you’ve been doing is giving one side hell.
  4. Archer: Where did you learn all that stuff? Pam: You know I grew up on a farm, right? Archer: Really hoping that’s not relevant.
  5. Krieger: I needed help disseminating him.
    Cheryl: Eww!
    Pam: Not what it means.
    Lana: Still pretty gross though.
  6. Lana: You’re looking for Predator aren’t you? A, he’s invisible.
    Archer: Not totally, he has a tall tell shimmer.
  7. Cheryl: It tastes worse than it smells!
    Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that, I’d have eight nickels!
  8. Malory: For god’s sake woman, where is your pride?
    Cheryl: In my work.
    Malory: That may be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.
  9. Pam: You’re so hot for him, I could reheat this chili in your cooch. So how about it? Cooch chili?
  10. Rip: You just killed like ten pirates.
    Sterling: Wow, if the five-year-old me knew that, he’d get a huge boner.
  11. Pam: What a hunk
    Cheryl: Total sploosh.
    Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.
    Gillette: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
  12. Cyril: Will I get to learn karate? Archer: Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
  13. Lana: Okay, that was a fluke.
    Sterling: Yeah, a fluke of nature. Because I happen to have perfect situational awareness, Lana. Which cannot be taught, by the way. Like a poet’s … mind for … to make the perfect words.
  14. Pam: Don’t blame me. It’s those new low flow toilets. With the old ones you could flush a dachshund puppy. I mean, not that you would.

  15. Archer: Lana, I’m in love with you. Lana: You are also shit faced Archer: I can be both.

  16. Archer: I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I’ll rub…sand…in your dead little eyes. Woodhouse: Very good, sir. Archer: [pause] I also need you to buy sand. Woodhouse: Yes, sir. Archer: I don’t know if they grade it, but… coarse.

  17. Archer: Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it’s really bad. [He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password] Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about “Guest”. [He types in “Guest” and it works] Archer: No way. It can’t be. Jesus Christ, that is just… babytown frolics.

  18. Archer: Whoa, I would not push her. That is a big gun and she is baby crazy. Lana: “Baby crazy”?! Archer: That’s why I broke up with her. Lana: You lying—! You sack of shit! I broke up with you because you’re carrying around a 35-year-old umbilical cord! Archer: See?! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you’re baby crazy!

  19. Archer: All I’ve had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.

  20. Krieger: I’m sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.

  21. Malory: But even though Cyril may be clingy…Lana: Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.

  22. Archer: Lana. Lana! LANA!!! Lana: WHAT?!? Archer: Danger Zone.

  23. Randy: Because we would be amenable to that. Well? Why do you look so nonplussed? Archer: Because I wasn’t sure if you knew what “amenable” meant, until you followed it up with “nonplussed.”

  24. Pam: You make me sound like some kind of chupacabra. But for dicks.

  25. Archer: It’s pretty hard to stay anonymous when you’re the world’s greatest secret agent.
    Burt Reynolds: Well calling yourself that can’t help.

That’s my post today.

If I have convinced even one reader to check this show out, then my work here is done.

Even if you don’t, I bet you can work some of these quotes into your conversations today. If dry and sarcastic aren’t your taste in humor, well, you probably aren’t reading this blog anyway, and you probably won’t like this cartoon. But there’s probably another 2 Broke Girls on somewhere that you can check out instead.

Quotes gathered from Wikipedia and

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10 thoughts on “Some Archer Quotes

  1. Hey,
    It’s been awhile. Le Clown doesn’t really care about Archer as we all know a clown is scarier than a super agent. And more charming. RIGHT???
    Le Clown

    • I think so. I enjoy drunk, dirty humor sometimes from secret agents, clowns, children’s books and shows. The usual suspects. When I have nothing funny to say, I quote…perhaps I will quote Le Clown next time so he does not get bored again.

  2. Well now I just had NO idea! Here I am thinking that I’m a man of the world, and yet until now, I knew nothing of Archer! Thanks for making me aware, and I’ll make a point of checking it out. Lol

Okay, you talk now.

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