The Real Cost to Spring-Clean Your Sex Life?

I was looking for inspiration this morning under the MSN, Life and Love section when I came across this article courtesy of Essence.

I won’t say I was appalled by the information here, but I laughed because the message to women that we owe the world and all the men out there a porn-style sex life, while still maintaining an acceptable moral compass, a lady-like demeanor, and eventually growing up and facing financial responsibility is everywhere.

“We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” Thanks, Usher and Ludacris, for that pearl of wisdom.

Outside of the rap world you also want a woman who can stick to budget and not fulfill our stereotype of being mindless shoppers and spenders, but the beauty as outlined below comes at a price. To our wallets and our dignity.

Here are the bullets on how Essence proposed ladies should spring-clean their sex lives:

  1. Just doin' my hair and wearing my $58 garters. credit: victoriassecret.com

    Update your Lingerie Chest: “Toss out last season’s négligée numbers and head to the nearest boutique to swipe new matching panties and bustiers on your debit card. Go ahead, splurge a little. You’ll love it. He’ll love it. It’s win-win.”  The reality most of us face: Should I update my sex kitten drawer or buy food this week? Maybe just this once, I can splurge and swipe those new panties (splurge, swipe, and panties in the same sentence…ewww) onto the credit card instead of the debit card. Sex spring-cleaning is a real emergency and I deserve to feel wanted. Maybe I can even go into VS, try on this get-up in unforgiving mall lighting, and realize that what I really need is $20,000 worth of lipo and silicon before I look anything like this picture. Yep, I’m loving this, feeling like a winner and I’m really in the mood now. The win really becomes apparent afterward when the new purchase is wadded up on the floor, and you have an overwhelming urge to go make a sandwich. For yourself, of course, you are the one who is still hungry because you don’t have money for food.

  2. Bring New Life Into the Bedroom: “If you’re ready to bring new experiences into your bedroom why not refresh your surroundings while you’re at it? Swap out those faux flowers in the vase on your dresser in favor of fresh ones that will fill the room with titillating scents to stimulate your senses.”  The reality most of us face: Fresh flowers are expensive and fake flowers collect dust–I have neither in my bedroom. I’m not saying this wouldn’t be a nice touch, but honestly, fresh flower arrangements remind me mostly of funerals, and that is not titillating in any way. And newsflash, a man about to get laid probably won’t notice them at all.
  3. Learn a New Trick: “You know that pole dancing exercise class you keep almost signing up for with the girls? It’s time to enroll! Don’t let the chance to learn one or two sexy new moves to whip out on him pass you by. Added bonus: You’re sure to drop a few pounds and boost your confidence levels immediately.”  The reality most of us face: I can’t even make it to the gym these days, what are the chances that I’m going to be able to stomach a month’s worth of stripper classes? I’m sure I do need to lose a few El Bees, and hanging upside down on a pole probably isn’t going to make me feel better about that.
  4. Swap Out Your Bedding: “You may be focused on your own mojo for now, but remember, your sheets can feel sexy too. Now that spring has sprung, switch out your old furry winter blankets in favor of silky, soft bed sets and feathery down quilts. Slip into the good stuff.”  The reality most of us face: I’d love to buy new bedding every spring, but it is expensive. And if you’ve never been thrown down on a set of satin sheets, well welcome to a nostalgic trip back to your Slip N Slide days without the benefit of a plastic, wipe-clean surface.
  5. Tidy Up:  “Brazilian wax anyone? Yes, we know they can be painful, but if you’re looking to “tidy up” for the spring, it’s the perfect way to feel instantly refreshed down there.” The reality most of us face: As far as beauty treatments go, this one is quite possibly the most embarrassing and most invasive of them all. If you want your ladybird to look baby smooth, and have it resemble a hairless mole rat I’m not going to tell you that is wrong, but be prepared to get up on all fours while a stranger goes searching through your crack for a hidden butt beaver; a beaver they will be pulling out by the roots and you probably don’t even know you have. Not refreshing and painful is an understatement. Also, you better hope you get laid before the re-growth starts, because itching and in-grown hairs are a part of getting your short hairs back.
  6. Delete Friends with Benefits: “Enough with the on-again-off-again nonsense; he shouldn’t be allowed to hop in and out of your sheets if he doesn’t plan to stick around. Stop right now, scroll through your contacts and find all the men who fit the description. Now, delete them from the list because they aren’t worthy of your goodies. Yes, ladies, it’s time to clean out those (sexual) closets. Go!”  The reality most of us face: Yes, do this. If a guy stays in the friend zone for you, they are probably still hoping to hook up with you some day. If women keep friends with benefits around, they are probably hoping that casual sex will turn into something more some day. The guys have the upper hand in this game most of the time. Delete the bed buddies and buy a vibrator. Pass the savings onto your self-esteem.
  7. Know your Status: “If you haven’t had an STD/HIV screening in the past six months, make your next appointment today. It’s important to know your status so you can share it with your partner and be confident in what you’re bringing to the table.”  The reality most of us face: Insurance pays for one lady check-up a year, but if you want to be confident about what you are bringing to the table, take responsibility for your own sexual health and wrap the sausage with a tortilla every time. And by tortilla, I mean a condom. Learn it, live it, protect yourself, and don’t leave this to chance.

The real cost of this sex spring-clean: About $838.00. Buy satin sheets and you can bring this total down considerably.

Action  Cost  Message
New Lingerie  $    58.00 Slut it Up
Fresh Flowers  $    30.00 Add a Touch of Class
Pole Dancing Class/1 month  $  100.00 Slut it Up
New Bedding (silk sheets, down comforter)  $  500.00 Add a Touch of Class
Brazilian Bird Wax with Tip  $  120.00 Slut it Up
Doctor Co-Pay for Vag Check  $    30.00 Don’t be TOO Slutty
Delete Douchebags  $           - Don’t be TOO Slutty
 $  838.00

My suggestions:

  • "Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria." credit: flickr.com

    Instead of New Lingerie: Skip Victoria’s Secret, put on a pair of blue jockey’s with a white waist-band, cut up your favorite 80s long-sleeve tee, and call it the Weird Science Experience. Put a bra on his head, and remind him to hook up the doll. If you are too young to get this reference, you may need to include a movie night and catch up a little before you understand my jokes. Kelly LeBrock…I’m sorry the years haven’t been more kind to you.

  • Instead of Fresh Flowers: Make your bed and clean your bedroom; this is a step up for most men. It is also very hard to resist messing up a freshly made bed. For the Catholics, I would also recommend removing religious wall art from the bedroom. Nothing kills the mood like our Savior and the Blessed Mother watching you get it on. If there is a smell that makes you feel sexier, you can probably find it in a Glade plug-in anyway. I think they even come in funeral scent now.
  • Instead of Pole Classes: Work on your confidence which is universally sexy. If you really want to learn a few moves, try Carmen Electra’s strip tease DVD. If you can do that and feel sexy at home, then maybe you can survive the real pole classes. I can’t think of anything I’d rather not do than learn how to pole dance with my friends.
  • Instead of New Bedding: Buy a pair of 3x sweat pants, shave your legs, and invite someone to join you in them. If it doesn’t work, you still have your cookie pants, and a really funny story to blog about.
  • Instead of A Brazilian: Keep your hair down there however you like it. If you aren’t comfortable with the Brazilian, then for God’s sake don’t do it to try to please someone else. As long as no one has to floss afterward, you are probably fine.

The last two points are not bad advice, but the overwhelming majority of information that I see out there lately is that if women don’t slut it up we will wind up alone or cheated on, and I think it is a damaging message.

This article kind of pissed me off, so I had to make fun of it.

Hope it was fun for y’all too!

43 thoughts on “The Real Cost to Spring-Clean Your Sex Life?

  1. Yet again you had me in ABSOLUTE HYSTERICS!!! I had tears rolling down my eyes reading points 1 and 5 the first time through, and had to forward it to hubby to read for himself as when I tried to read out number 5 – I couldn’t speak for laughing…!!! (Seriously – I couldn’t finish…or see in fact for the tears of laughter)

    I know what you mean re articles like that pissing you off – they do me too… Well done on putting it all in real-life perspective :)

    Keep it up Rach ;)

    J

  2. You’re real and right, I like that. And I don’t have $838.00 to spend. Maybe you should write these things for a magazine for real chicks that we should put together one day.

    Had a good laugh with “Nothing kills the mood like our Savior and the Blessed Mother watching you get it on.” Needed that, thanks!

    • Yeah, me either. Kind of puts that whole bitching about paying for dinner thing in perspective doesn’t it? We should start a magazine for real women some day. I am so sick of all the bs they keep feeding everyone. Glad you liked the Catholic jokes; that was inspired by my MIL’s Jesus and Mary guest room.

  3. “As long as no one has to floss afterward, you are probably fine.” HAHAHA

    Magazine articles like that are so dumb, offensive, and way off base. The vast majority of people I’ve met in my life are just happy to be having sex with someone they like. They don’t need $800 worth of primping to get turned on. And honestly, why should anyone have to work that hard to please someone? Sure, I’ll get a Brazillian, just as soon as magazines start instructing every man in the world to wax his chest and get abs like Ryan Reynolds.

    • I agree. If you are working that hard at pleasing someone else, you probably aren’t enjoying it much yourself. Same here on the Brazillian. I’ll get one when they start marketing them as couples junk waxing packages. Ryan Reynolds…yum. :)

  4. Sheer Satirical Brilliance here! And an excellent job of poking lots of holes in a lame assed article that really had it coming. Even as a guy I can see how stupid and ridiculous that BS is for women who live in the real world. You did a great job of being funny here by scrawling the truth all over the faux stationary!

      • You are welcome! :-) But it didn’t take any bravery on my part to comment here. There are all issues that the woman I love has to deal with as well, so I can really relate.

        I also have a 31 year old daughter who is single, and who reads this kind of crap regularly – which is not a criticism of her, since I know that the big business commercial interests that fund this sh*t, have made her and thousands of young and single women like her, their target – so she’ll blow her money buying lots of their stuff, after they do their psychological working over of her mind, her sense of self, and prey upon her insecurities, to take financial advantage of her.

        As her father, I would gladly greet these perpetrators who want to screw her over, with a few well aimed patterns of buckshot into their fat cat asses. But obviously, that is not the answer, however much I might enjoy it.

        No, your way of shooting them down is much better, and so right on target, that I’m forwarding my daughter your post, minus this comment.

        Thanks as always, for making us laugh, but thanks even more, for performing a valuable public service.

      • Couldn’t have said it better myself! I hope your daughter laughs at it, and they absolutely prey on our insecurities.

        Big business, but I think I like your idea of justice for the fat cats better :)

    • Simple is pretty awesome. If you need a manual to get in and out of the wrapping…well, then you’re just reading stuff, which is usually bad foreplay.

  5. I’d just like to know who has the time, money and patience to do all of these things to make their sex lives more “thrilling” when getting naked seems to work just as well? Clearly some sort of conspiracy is afoot…

  6. Rachelle,
    I use a hair clipper. With a rechargeable battery. I give myself a #2 (don’t even go there, it’s not a shitty haircut). The problem is, the batteries die before I finish. This week, for example, I’ve been walking with a Krishna haircut. It’s not very becoming of a Le Clown, but it’s dirt cheap.
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown,
      Even though you put a preemptive strike against a perfectly wonderful #2 joke, I would be happy to send some batteries for your clippers so you can complete your at-home haircuts. This is very frugal of you, but for some reason, I pictured you as a flowbee man. http://www.flowbee.com/ Manscape attachment sold seperately.

    • I am surprised they left those out too.

      Candles would have been more difficult to make fun of though :)

      Not saying lingerie doesn’t have a place, just the idea that I should throw out all of last season’s numbers and buy all new stuff is silly.

  7. Oh my gosh, I love this!! So, so much truth you are bringing. Honestly, thank you for posting this. Well, and you’re welcome, because I think you were reading my mind. ;

Okay, you talk now.

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