Dear Resident, We’ve Received Some Complaints About Your Balls

Earlier in the spring we received a notice from our HOA about the condition of our lawn.

We deserved one, and the with the drought last year and our general neglect, our front yard was almost entirely dirt. Many of our shrubs were in various states of dead and dying.

It looked bad, and we knew it, but just about every other lawn in our neighborhood had suffered the same fate so we weren’t rushing to correct the problem, and we weren’t offended by the notice. In general, my opinion on most HOA’s is that they are grown-up systems implemented entirely for power-trips and formal tattling, but our yard was an eye-sore. We were not unaware.

In April, people started digging up their dead lawns, re-sodding, and re-seeding. It was on our to-do list, but anyone who has ever replaced a yard, knows how expensive it can be; not just from the initial cost, but from the increased water bills and the time you have to invest bringing it back to life (unless you have a sprinkler system, and if you do, I’m jealous).

It is understood and overlooked that the people whose yards survived last summer’s heat and drought were probably breaking the mandatory water restrictions, and personally, I think this is a much greater violation than a crunchy or dusty lawn.

Our HOA color codes their notices; yellow is a warning and you have ten days to correct the violation. I guess the color represents danger–slow your trashy roll, don’t leave your recycling bins at the curb for three days, or you can’t park that canoe here. Red means we’re taking legal action against your lazy asses. I’ve never seen an encouraging green one with a thumbs up emblem, saying “You win at yards.”

If your sidewalk strip dies, cover it in rocks. Very nice job, sweetie!

Last week we put out new sod, cut out the dying shrubbery, and had some other landscaping done and have been watering ever since. On Saturday my husband bought a thousand pounds of limestone rock and crushed granite to create a curb strip that requires no maintenance. He got several compliments, and one drive by where a person asked for his business card. He replied, “This is my house, and I’m never doing this again, but thanks!”

As he was putting the finishing touches on, a neighbor came out and started chatting with him. He complimented him on the work, and apologized saying, “I’m sorry I had to write so many complaints against you.”

Oh reallyyyyy?

I understand some people take the appearance of their neighborhoods very seriously, and some people write angry letters, but he could have just come over and said something. And if you’re going to be a cowardly wiener about it initially, why admit that you tattled to the HOA later?

We laughed about it, but this didn’t do much to endear this neighbor to me, and it inspired a fictional HOA notice I’m thinking of taping to his front door to notify him of his own disgusting violations.

Let me know what you think.

Dear Homeowner,

Austin Second-Class Society, HOA (ASS) has been requested to notify you that there are some issues on your property that are in non-compliance. Any items identified by the Board of Directors that are in non-compliance with the governing documents of the Association’s property are noted. Please carefully consider all ball sack related violations:

The following item(s) below were noted to be corrected:
  • Garbage Can and Brush Violation–Several neighbors have complained that you leave your trash can out for an extra day every week, and that you leave dead branches on the curb for weeks when there is no bulk pick-up scheduled. Stop that shit or we will eat your face.
  • Water Restriction Violation–We know why your yard looks like a golf course and we see you sneaking out at night to water your driveway. Wasteful, petty man.
  • Hanging Ball Violation–It has been brought to our attention that you do not own a man-sized grill, but instead barbecue in your garage crouched in front of a hibachi grill wearing only your boxer shorts. We are primarily concerned about the safety of your dangling snake and man berries in such close proximity to a fire source, but it is also visually unappealing to see your testicles swinging in the breeze while loading impressionable children into the car seats next door.
  • Washing your Truck in White Boxers Violation: Car washing in your driveway is strictly forbidden under mandatory water restrictions, but it has also been brought to our attention that your preferred attire of no shirt and water-soaked, white boxer shorts, with your peep-hole open is rather offensive. See by-laws for generally accepted, white clothing, car washing practices and note that you are not a hot girl or a hot piece of man, and no one wants to see that shit.

Please correct the above issues within ten days to avoid further action by ASS, HOA.

We realize that you love your balls and your floppy moob, muscle-less physique, but your neighbors do not share your overly inflated opinion of yourself and have had enough of your complete lack of observation of the, “do what you want in your backyard, but please wear pants of some kind in the front yard,” rule.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

This message will self-destruct so please cover your currently exposed balls to prevent injury.

Sincerely,

Snitches Get Stitches

I think this might have the desired effect, and I’m pretty sure I can replicate the HOA letterhead. Obviously, I won’t really do it, but I feel better now.

Has anyone tattled on you recently?

Any other opinions on HOA’s?

For the most part, I appreciate our HOA–we should all do our part to keep property values up and take pride in home ownership, but when you’ve lived next door to someone for ten years, just go tell them yourself if you have a complaint.

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21 thoughts on “Dear Resident, We’ve Received Some Complaints About Your Balls

  1. There’s always one in every crowd! For more than twenty years we’ve tried to be good neighbors, done everything pretty much by the book and tried to follow all regulations but the one time we had builders in to do some work and they started a little earlier than was permissable someone called the village and reported it! This wasn’t an HOA thing, we don’t belong to one of those, thank goodness, but our daughter and her husband did, for a while, and had similar problems.

    • There is always at least one :) You have to love the neighborhood police. I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if they are decent neighbors otherwise–or until they tattle on me apparently.

  2. I also enjoy funny writing letters like this to make me feel better. I love it, and if you were moving, I would suggest sending it! ;-)

  3. Another intriguing title. :) We live on a busy street. Everywhere around us there are HOAs, but not for us. I suppose because of our location. And it suits me fine. In fact, just to snub our noses a little at our town’s restrictions, we have an ugly little gargoyle statue in our front yard as well as a Buddha one. Neither have any meaning to us, but I suspect they bug someone. They’re not eyesores; we’ve tucked them near our bushes. But they’re there and they’re visible, and for some twisted reason that pleases me. :)

  4. LOL! :-D Loved your letter! Haven’t tangled with anything like an HOA for many years, but I still remember vividly the time when I did, and I could write a post about the war that ensued. I totally agree with your opinion that most HOAs and Condo associations are “grown-up systems implemented entirely for power-trips and formal tattling.”

    To this day, I have less than zero respect for their kind, so I’m on your side all the way. It’s too bad that we aren’t neighbors cause I’ll bet if we put our heads together, we’d come up with some great ideas for some serious guerrilla warfare to be carried out against the HOA and any of it’s spineless collaborators. Believe me when I say that the guilty would be punished… Lol

  5. Oh my gosh this has me cracking up! My man-friend (can I call him a boyfriend if we are both in our 40′s?) is the president of his HOA and I’ve proofed a couple letters for him. They aren’t near this entertaining. I believe I’m going to have to send him yours as a suggestion! tee hee

    Thanks so much for the chuckle!

    • Any time! I think it would be kind of fun to see who the complainers in the neighborhood are. Some terms we never outgrow, and boyfriend may be one of them :) I’m glad you enjoyed the letter and thanks for taking time to say so!

  6. We call the tattle tales in our neighborhood the Gestapo. It’s harsh, but they are just annoying! We leave the trash cans out longer just to prove our point.

    • I understand. I think it takes a bored person to tattle on a neighbor for trash cans, and it’s not something I could ever see myself doing. Doesn’t feel very neighborly.

  7. I’mmmmmm… Baaaaaack and laughing out loud!
    If he lives next door I would go with a big fence – if he lives across the street I would probably put the house on the market!
    but short of that why don’t you post a few pics on facebook! LOL!

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