5 Ways Modern Women are Trained to Hate Men

David Wong wrote this article, 5 Ways Modern Men are Trained to Hate Women, back in March, and I’ve been thinking about writing my own version of it ever since.

Not to pick it apart, because I think for the most part it was meant to be a joke laced with some painful truths for both men and women.

I can always appreciate that.

But if modern men are trained to hate women, the flip side is also true, and the result is a never-ending struggle for power and lot of animosity between genders that don’t need a lot of help not understanding one another.

He begins the article by quoting some forums where the Rush Limbaugh/Sandra Fluke story was being discussed. This over-blown, media shark tank brought out the ugly in all of us I’m afraid, but Wong’s focus was on the anger that surfaced from the regular (read stereotypical, cave dwelling) men. His point was that anger, sexism, and misogyny are always there for men, lurking below the surface just waiting for the valve to be released so they can unleash the frenzy of slut, gold digging whore, and nasty, fat c-words on the women that they are trained from birth to hate.

Nice.

Women, myself included, responded in a similarly predictable manner to the Limbaugh story, and went to the same hate, disdain, and castrating language that probably bubbles below the surface for any female who has ever hit her head on the glass ceiling at work, been dismissed, objectified, sexually harassed, or marginalized by men in her life. Oh, you mean all women?

So my question is, are women also trained to hate men?

I believe the answer is yes, and here’s why.

  1. We Were Told Society Owes us a Prince Charming/Hero: Wong says that men are taught that society owes them a hot girl. In the movies, media, comic books and video games, if the hero accomplishes his goals, he is awarded his favorite female. Women are looking around saying, “Hero? Where is the hero?” But, if you want to know why some women walk around bitterly disappointed and disillusioned with relationships, dating, and marriage, look no further than the same offending stream of media and fairy tales we are fed from birth about what romance and love look like. From Cinderella and romance novels to chick flicks and women’s magazines–the message is consistent and the story lines are mind numbingly, repetitive. No matter how bad things seem, eventually a prince on a white horse will come and save us. Even if the prince is Shrek. We’re conditioned to accept the ogre as well as long as he comes in a box we can stamp with true love’s label. Bad family life, complete with an evil step-mother? Ride off into the sunset with your savior. Single for the summer? You deserve Ryan Gosling, and if you wait long enough, he will come love you forever with the burning intensity that you’ve always felt entitled to–even if you have Alzheimer’s and don’t remember him. It’s crap (I love that movie, but it is crap). The problem, stated quite succinctly by Wong, is that all men consider themselves the hero of their own story, and if they are honest, consider themselves a hero just for getting through their days. How many women can be honest and admit that the truth of that statement pales in comparison to how much of a hero or martyr we think we are just by getting through our days, which in many cases, now include everything a man has to do, AND everything a woman is expected to do. No rest for the women, no strokes for the male ego for doing what you’re “supposed” to do. No one wins. Even if men do need to feel like a hero for getting out of bed every morning and going to work instead of masturbating all day in front of the computer, you’re not going to get much sympathy or support from the ladies these days for that line of thinking because that’s not how a hero acts damn it.
  2. Who’s Your Daddy?: Daddy issues, whatever you want to call it. The first man in all of our lives is our father. Whether you got an amazing Dad who loved you unconditionally and made you feel like a princess every day of your young life, a dead-beat, absent father who was little more than a sperm donor in your life, or something human in between, your Dad is the bar by which you measure every other man in your life. If your guy can’t fix a car, unclog a drain, provide for you and your family, be emotionally available to you, talk to you whenever you want, and do better than the hero, human, or piece of shit you knew as your Dad, then he fails. And we’re pissed. Bitter women are a product of their own unrealized and often unrealistic expectations. And sometimes they’ve just been royally screwed over. I’m generalizing in this whole post.
  3. Who Needs a Man? Wong says that men feel like their manhood was stolen from them at some point. And he’s right. Some women want your balls in their purse, and will do anything to get them there. We are trying our hardest to sterilize and neutralize the differences between men and women in the name of equality. Some women even hold the idea, either subtly or overtly, that men are becoming quite obsolete in this life equation. We are also conditioned to live with the possibility that we may never find a good man to share our lives with. Women with the advantages to do so, pursue our education and our careers with a vengeance; confident in our ability to be independent and make it on our own. And we are successful in varying degrees. If we reach the child-bearing years without a man to make babies with, well your deposits to the spank banks have made your participation here unnecessary as well. Horny and want some hot sex? My vibrator can find my clitoris, waits for me to finish, and has never once asked to see the back door. Need something fixed around the house? We have the money to hire someone for that. Hmmm. Personally, none of these things have ever replaced my desire to share my life with my husband, but there was that safety net–if he had never come into my life, I still could have had all these things. It just would have been a lot harder, and a lot more depressing. So we’re pissed because we’re gradually getting what we asked for; equality and gender neutrality. Then we’re pissed when we need you to act like men, and you don’t because we’ve stripped you of your man cards. We’re also pissed because none of the things we try to replace you with actually replace you. Still generalizing.
  4. The Garden of Eden: Wong references the Garden of Eden in his article. It’s buried in a bunch of jerk off and sex references, and his bottom line is that men hate ugly women, and if you’re pretty, you’re using your boner inducing powers for evil and mind control over the powerless, over sexed male. Whether you are believer or not, his notion that men believe all women are conspiring with their boners to ruin them and that it all goes back to Adam and Eve is not that far off base. He states, “And in the Bible, it’s Eve who tempts Adam to sin … by conspiring with a snake.” Men don’t like the power that women can yield over them with sex, but I wonder how a man would feel if Genesis was flipped and they had been blamed for the entire fall of humanity for as long as the Bible has existed? With one bite of an apple women denied every human to ever walk the earth their God-given right to easy meals in a nudist camp. I was raised in a church, and this story brings up uncomfortable feelings for me; if I’m honest, I hate this story. Whether it is real or not, it speaks some truth. Women want it all. All the knowledge, all the power, all the pretty things and the good life in the garden too. If we aren’t still convinced that men and God are withholding from us, we are sure that they are blaming us for eating that damn apple. And check out the clincher in the story if you still don’t sympathize; in addition to the pain of childbirth, and the general strife men and women and all our offspring were condemned to, He added that a woman’s desire will be for her husband and he will rule over her. So we’re getting blamed, punished, ruled over and now we’re doing the same toiling and work that men do. I don’t know, it makes me feel some anger.
  5. No Matter How Much Ground We Gain, We Still Feel Powerless: Wong ends the article by jumping the shark, and saying that everything any powerful man has ever done in the name of progress comes back to his basic desire to be buried, balls deep in a vagina, and I don’t think this gives men nearly enough credit. The struggle between men and women always comes back to the same thing–each gender feels powerless in some ways, and exploits the powers we do have against each other to compensate for those feelings. And we get angry, behave childishly, and lash out at each other instead of working together to create strong bonds and partnerships. The argument and struggle for power will never end, and frankly, I’m tired of writing about it. No matter how far we come, how close we get to gender equality, and how much we try to understand each other, some men will attack women for our appearance, our sexuality, and call us ugly names when they get mad, and some women will continue to try to emasculate men when we feel threatened. We can probably blame it all on bimbo Barbie and Ken the genital-less wonder if we really sit down and try to come to a truce on the gender wars. In the meantime, understand that if men attack women with ugly names that stem from their insecurity and media induced hate for us, we’re pretty sure to respond in a similarly immature manner.

    John Bobbit for those who have forgotten. credit: wikipedia.org

If you really want to know why some women seem angry, it’s pretty simple; we’re tired, over-scheduled, and confused about what road to take that will lead to the happiness that sometimes eludes us–just like men. Or maybe we’re just hungry.

You would be too if you’d been on a diet for 20 years.

There are some men who hate women, and some women who hate men, but for the most part, I think we’re all just trying to understand each other, and we need to do better.

Let’s try to get along and move past these grade school and adolescent attitudes.

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29 thoughts on “5 Ways Modern Women are Trained to Hate Men

  1. Thanks for reading David Wong’s article, so I don’t have to… I suppose I should read it before I judge the man, but I trust you and so I trust your distillation of what he wrote. Enough so, to think that Wong is just another son of DH Lawrence and Sigmund Freud wanker, who’s only contributing more discord and more misunderstanding between men and women, and I just don’t buy it…

    You raise some excellent points of your own here Rachelle, but there’s just no need for all the hate and warfare between men and women, even though the war is real and it continues to rage on and inflict lots of casualties on both sides.

    If both genders would just treat each other with consistently mutual respect, we could let our guard down enough to actually like each other, and enjoy each others friendship, as we share what we have in common, while appreciating the ways in which we are different.

    Then we can go a step further, and the common experiences that we all share as human beings, can be joined together with the ways in which we are different as men and women. Our different strengths and abilities can be combined in a positive way to compliment each other, and make each other stronger together than we are when apart and alone. We can be joined together in a genuinely loving relationship, in which two actually do become as One, when united in Love…

    Adam and Eve? It’s time to put aside Adam and Eve, and go beyond the old stories, so we can embrace the message of the New Story, by living the Golden Rule in all our dealings with each other, as men and women. When we really do unto each other, as we would have done unto ourselves, there will be no more war between the sexes, because all the resentment, conflict and misery will no longer have any reason to exist.

    • It’s actually pretty funny, and I think he was commenting more on how ridiculous these attitudes are. It is the people who didn’t take it as a joke that worry me.
      I enjoy his writing, and the best take away from the article for me was, “But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.” It made me sad though because there are some men out there that actually think this way.
      We should all work toward a mutual respect for each other, and not just between genders. People can be awful to each other. The differences between men and women are interesting and something that I believe should be celebrated; we can get a lot more done working together using our complementary strengths than we can apart. Each gender brings strength and weakness to every situation.
      I agree that we should move beyond the old stories. That one has always been a sticky one for me though.
      Do unto others…words to live by. Sadly, too many people live life with an attitude of retaliation instead of treating people as they would like to be treated. I’m guilty of it myself.

      • I should have read the article first, before commenting. But I know that I saw red and I had an emotional reaction when I read this in your post:

        “Wong ends the article by jumping the shark, and saying that everything any powerful man has ever done in the name of progress comes back to his basic desire to be buried, balls deep in a vagina, and I don’t think this gives men nearly enough credit.”

        My immediate reaction was to agree with you saying “I don’t think this gives men nearly enough credit.” and to also think that Wong was just another jerk who buys into that crap that anything and everything a guy ever does in his life, is motivated by sex. Bull! While sex is definitely a powerful motivator for men, it is NOT why men love to watch football, play poker, go fishing, or study for years to get a PHD in Astrophysics. I didn’t dive a sunken U-Boat at 125 feet down, cause I was hoping it would get me laid.

        This is what brought on my disparaging comparison to D.H. Lawrence and Freud, who were very different men, except that Lawrence was convinced that having sex is the only real reason worth it for a man to be alive, and Freud thought that everything a guy does in his life is motivated by his sex drive, and even as a babe he is formed into who he becomes, by the subconscious sexual influence of both his father and mother. There are flippin’ witch doctors deep in the jungle who have more sense than that!

        While I admired Lawrence for his great talent as a writer, I still didn’t buy his ultimate message, and I also admired Freud for being an original pioneer in psychiatry, who discovered some genuine truths about how the human mind works, even though I’m convinced that he went off the deep end with his eventual version of psychoanalysis.

        I still laugh whenever I think of Woody Allen saying that “Men are the ones who really suffer from penis envy” :-D There is truth in that joke, because unlike what Freud believed, I don’t think that the vast majority of women subconsciously want a big penis (permanently attached) while the vast majority of men DO want a big penis, so Woody is right. Lol

        Okay, I know that I’ve now gone off the rails into rantville here, and sorry about that, but this is a subject that I feel strongly about, because to this day, teaching an overemphasis on sexuality as the true meaning of life and the reason for all we do, is harmful and it hurts people.

        True story: The year before I met my current wife, I was living with my best friend of many years, who had just gone through a brutal divorce, was overwhelmed by the constant pressure of his very complicated and demanding job, and he was also under financial stress, because of a bad investment. He was really suffering, so he went to see a psychoanalyst who believed 100% in the gospel according to Freud.

        My friend was having recurring bad dreams, in which he had several balls floating around him in the air, that were a danger to him, unless he could hit them away with a baseball bat, but the bat always missed the balls, because the bat was too small. So of course, his psychoanalyst gave my friend a Freudian interpretation of his recurring bad dreams, telling him they were symbolic of his subconscious deep feelings of sexual inadequacy and failure, combined with an inferiority complex about his father, and his years of subconscious frustration over not being able to have sex with his mother.

        This only made my friend feel much worse, and his bad dreams continued to ruin his sleep. Until he and I had a long talk about all this one night, and I told him that his psychoanalyst was full of shit. I told him that the balls in the air in his dream, were symbolic of all the responsibilities that he was struggling to deal with at work, and the bat that was too small to hit the balls had nothing to do with sexual inadequacy or feeling inferior to his dad, but represented his feelings about being strapped for cash and struggling to pay his bills, combined with the fear of losing his job, because he knew it was more than he could handle.

        I suggested that he look for another full time job ASAP that he was better suited for, and to also get a part time job for extra money to help pay his bills and reduce his financial stress. My friend enthusiastically agreed with my ideas, and… those recurring bad dreams stopped as of that very night, never to return.

        I’m not saying that I solved all his problems that night, because he still had a long hard road ahead. But at least he had a sensible plan that gave him hope, and a chance for things to get better. Instead of needlessly feeling like a sexual failure who could never measure up to his dad, while feeling racked with guilt because a “professional” Freudian idiot told him that he was in inner turmoil cause he really wanted sex with his mom. Once freed from this false load of crap after our discussion that night, my friend stopped seeing his psychoanalyst immediately, and eventually in about a year or so, things in his life got much better.

        Sorry for such a long rant, and now I’ll go read that article for myself. And if I have a comment on it, I promise it will be no more than three sentences long!

      • No worries on rantville! I’m glad that you were able to help your friend with a logical analysis of his situation, and Freud’s theories, while interesting, don’t really offer much in the way of solutions. I didn’t do a very good job of highlighting what was funny about the inspiration for this post. I intended initially to make mine a joke as well, but when I started writing, it went off track a bit. That happens sometimes.
        And now I need to go read some D.H. Lawrence because I haven’t read his work; if I have, I have forgotten it.
        Men are so much more than their sexuality, their weens, and the base desires outlined in Wong’s article. It just scares me that more and more guys are buying into the attitudes he makes fun of, and never growing up and out of this sense of entitlement and resentment of women.

      • Thanks once again for your patience with me, since I think that “rantville” may have set a new personal and dubious record for me, for longest post reply ever.

        But I don’t agree with you that you didn’t do a good job with this post – I think that the way I’m responding may be more my own problem, more than anything to do with your writing.

        Maybe in both Wong’s writing about men and also in your writing about women, I’m seeing some things that I know are true, but I find these truths so deeply disturbing, that my emotions refuse to accept them.

        This may be a form of denial, but it’s also my refusal to accept that this is the way things are, and this is the way things have to be, for a thousand and one well argued reasons. Maybe this is my blind spot, but nope, I just can’t accept these conclusions, because to me, it’s like giving up and giving in to a mass state of dysfunctional despair.

        Maybe I’m foolish, but I still believe in those “angels of our better nature” because on an individual and personal level, I’ve seen our better natures rise above it all and succeed.

        Hey, you originally tried for humor with subject matter that is quite grim, and I’m not surprised that you turned serious, cause it’s like trying to put a funny spin on a cholera epidemic, and there are some things that are just too emotionally loaded with the pain of our own personal experience to turn it into humor.

        But there’s nothing wrong with writing some serious posts, without any humor, if that’s the direction you are taken, and I’ll always read what you write, and respect what you write, because you write with well reasoned and articulate intelligence, as well as a passion for your subject.

      • I don’t want to believe these things either. It was a painful mirror to hold up and put out there. Almost as painful as reading Wong’s article and wonderin if that is really how some men view the world.
        I still believe we can all rise above these attitudes though, I don’t blame you for not wanting to accept them. I don’t accept them as a final conclusion either. I appreciate all your comments!

      • Thanks for appreciating all my comments, and may they never become like having twice as many relatives coming over for Christmas dinner than you think you can handle, without going crazy! Lol :-)

        Almost all my life, I’ve had very positive relationships with women as relatives, friends and lovers, with the exception of how things fell apart with my first wife, and that’s a big exception. But I still won’t play the blame game, and just say that we were both very young and both too immature to make a marriage work, even though we tried to for over five long years.

        But as you know, my 2nd marriage has been all that my 1st marriage failed to be, and so much more, for almost 22 years now. Our anniversary is July 27th.

        My point is that I genuinely like most women, and however much I kid around with ribald humor, or enjoy the beauty of a woman I find attractive, I like women as people and not exclusively as sex objects.

        Even women that I dislike, and there are some, I don’t dislike them for being women, I dislike them for being people I just don’t get along with.

        So I have a hard time understanding men who don’t like women, and only like getting sex from them, while treating women more like things than like people. And pathological women haters? I wish there was a year round hunting season for them, with no bag limit…

        Obviously I’m just as human as the next guy, and I have lots of faults and failings. I can be mean and vindictive at times, and not always for a justifiable reason.

        But I have no problem with women just because they are women, and I just don’t get why any guy can’t relate to women this way, when I can do it, cause there’s nothing all that special about me.

        Just treat her right, treat her with respect, treat her as an equal, and there’s a good chance that she’ll return the favor. It’s not rocket science…

        And now I’m going to do YOU a favor Rachelle, and tell you there’s no need to reply to this comment, because it’s a subject that I could apparently go on forever about, and I don’t want to become a burden. I think that more than enough has been said, and so we can finally give it a rest. :-)

    • I’m honored, Chris. Starting my blog name with an A was unintentional, but I do enjoy alphabetical order when it comes to blog rolls! Thank you! I’m going to try to put my own blog roll up soon, and trust that you will be on it.

      • And I’m glad, because you should feel honored, cause that is what I intended, since I have a deep admiration for your writing talents, your sense of humor, and I really enjoy our blogging friendship.

        I should have had you on my blog roll long ago, but changing it became one of those things that I kept putting off, and until the other day, I had the same line up that I’d originally put there back in January.

        I also know how to make the blog roll order non alphabetical, but when I saw your blog up there at the top, I thought ‘why change it?’ But if your blog was called “Zora’s Zany Adventures” I would have done alphabetical order in reverse. Lol :-)

  2. I wonder if some of these issues are a generational thing? Although relationships between men and women can be a struggle, so can those between other women and other men. I guess you just hope to find someone who doesn’t harbor such thoughts and work together at developing mutual respect and trust.

    Whew! You made me work today and put some thought into things. I like that. :)

    • I’m sure they are. Each generation seems to get a little more entitled. The world doesn’t owe us a thing! Thankfully, for the most part, I have been blessed to have men and women in my life who would find a real application of these negative thoughts about gender (mine and David Wong’s) abusurd. And they are.
      I made myself work at this one! I hope you enjoyed the work more than I did :)

      • It’s good to challenge the brain. Wards off Alzheimers, which is closer in my future than yours. :) Brain aerobics–that’s what I call it.

  3. Read every word of David Wong’s article, and here’s my shocking conclusion, Rachelle. I have NO comment. Except to add that I’m glad that you and I are good blogging buddies, and thanks for your part in that. :-)

    • No way! I’m glad we’re blog buddies too. I always appreciate your perspective here, even when I botch the setup and make my posts more serious than funny. I can’t believe you don’t even have a comment on the funeral boobs :)

  4. This is frustrating and to be honest, I was putting off reading it because it’s true (from both ends). I think that reading it though, making people more aware and realizing our patterns makes us more understanding to what is happening.

    If it can add humor, like you both did, then it’s even better. I am going to comment on this in a post next week for sure. Great post!

    • It frustrates me too, and that’s why I put off even trying to put down thoughts about it for so long. I don’t blame you for putting off reading it. It’s really not something I like to think about much, and I’m not sure I did the subject justice, but I tried to be honest from how I’ve experienced the world and some relationships. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say about it because you have way more exposure to how men and women treat each other today than I do. I’ve got it pretty easy sitting here married to a nice guy, and staying at home raising my child.

  5. I really enjoyed this… I hate the Adam and Eve story too. The way I see it, “God wouldn’t make use-less inedible sweet juicy apples.” Hahaha, if I make food it’s because I want it to get eaten, I don’t understand that kind of thinking, lol. Why would anyone make inedible apples? I agree women want it all, I personally do anyways. Now give me my apple, even better I’ll take the whole damn tree and gratefully indulge. Good job on this post, it really made me smile!!

    • I’m glad you liked it, and thanks for leaving a comment! I’m with you on the inedible apples. Put the knowledge of good and evil into something else in the garden…like a cactus. :)

    • My minister had a different take on the A&E story. I’m paraphrasing badly (it was a while ago), but he said pre-apple Adam and and Eve were like children. Happy and naive. The apple was meant to be eaten, we were meant to learn and grow. Otherwise, it would have been a perpetual kindergarten. Eve was the hero in that story, not the villain.
      A different perspective…

      - Kit

  6. I think this is a very thoughtful article, and I’d love to see it in Cosmo. All it might need for that is a couple of psycholgist’s opinions thrown in to support your position, maybe a dissenting voice or two, then submit that to about 30 different magazines!!

  7. I looked up i hate men and i hate women in the google search bar, and there were equally hateful messages coming from both sides. I realized, there never was and never will be a “superior” gender if you will. It truly is a matter of feeling powerless that causes people to project an “evil” face on the opposite gender. Humans make mistakes. Humans also learn to take responsibility for their own emotions, or they don’t. When they don’t, they frequently end up bashing whatever it is seems to be the “cause”. Since sex and intimacy seem to be of ruling importance in our lives, it makes a world of sense that when these two ever so important needs aren’t met we can all get a little bitter. But if you realize you’re upset and can have a little compassion by stepping into someone else’s shoes, you might just realize we’re not so different.

Okay, you talk now.

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