If Real Life had Yearbook Superlatives

When I was in high school, my school had an event every year called Presentation Play. The event was a promotion for our drama department, and they performed whatever bit of theatre they had been working on that semester in the high school, weird acting voice, over-projecting kind of way.

Sometime in the weeks leading up to the event, the student body voted on the annual yearbook superlatives and celebrated the popular students some more for being popular. They probably needed the self-esteem boost. Two winners in each category and two runner’s up were elected, received their blue ribbons at Presentation Play, and were featured in the yearbook (I pulled these straight from The Jacket 1994, the only yearbook that survived my adventures in moving):

  • Class Favorites for each grade: Less of a popularity contest, and more for the kids who were typically decent to everyone.
  • Most Athletic: The students who went on to collegiate sports.
  • Most Attractive: They were, although according to Facebook, some of them are not aging well.
  • Most Flirtatious: This wasn’t always a positive label–mainly for the girls who were elected. Aww, small town, double standard.
  •  SHS Sweetheart and Beau: Not to be confused with Homecoming and Prom King and Queen, although they were typically the same people.
  • Best Eyes: Green and blue eyes always won.
  • Best Personality: I can’t believe I never won this one.
  • Most Intellectual: The biggest nerds finally got some recognition too.
  • Most Spirited: They loved the Yellow Jackets.
  • Most Representative: I’m still not entirely sure anyone knew what this meant. Random people got elected, and they usually dressed preppy. They never clarified what it was these students most represented.
  • Best Sense of Humor: The wittiest.
  • Best Smile: You had to have your braces off to win this one.

Isn’t it weird how we leave high school focused on things that don’t really matter?

These awards should have been funnier, but I doubt our school administrators would have allowed anything but these generic, inoffensive awards. Most likely to succeed is even absent.

It’s been 16 years since I left high school, so I don’t really remember voting for these awards, and I only went to Presentation Play once, mainly because that was the only time anyone asked to me go. I don’t remember what play was performed, and I don’t really remember the award ceremony, but I think my brother won class favorite that year.

I do vividly remember that I had recently gotten a puppy for my sixteenth birthday. A dalmatian that I named Alexis so when people asked me what I got for my sweet sixteeen, I could say, “A Lexus,” because what I really wanted was a new car and I was pretty subtle back then (or passive aggressively shitty and entitled if you prefer proper labeling).

I loved this dog, even though she was awful.

I also made the mistake of letting her sleep in the bed with me before she was properly de-wormed, and she gave me ringworm. Oh yes, that happened. So I attended this play with my boyfriend in a navy blue, crushed velvet dress, and black high heels, because I understood fashion even less back then. I was splotched with Cover Girl makeup from head to toe in the wrong shade for my skin color, in an effort to cover this disgusting and embarrassing skin disease that is caused by doggie butt worms (it’s really a fungus, but butt worms is more amusing).

It’s funny how the dork with bad hair, purple braces, and ringworm never wins class favorite.

Most likely to know about zazzle.com credit: zazzle.com

In an effort to shake off my recent, depressing dad post, I will give you some possibilities today for yearbook superlatives in real life.

Post-High School Reality Checks:

  • Most likely to live in their parent’s basement at age 30, playing X-box and digging pizza dust out of their belly buttons.
  • Most likely to die alone and be eaten by cats.
  • Most likely to spend nine years on their undergrad degree.
  • Most likely to overachieve and gain a freshman fifty.
  • Most likely to flunk out their first semester away from home and have to move back to this hick town and finish up at the local, cowboy college. (It’s a good school, relax TSU alumni, my grandfather still has a scholarship there for aspiring teachers. I probably should have stayed home and gone there myself).

Real World Work Awards:

  • Most likely to suggest flip cup or beer pong at their first office Christmas party, and then black out trying to win.
  • Most likely to open fire on the office after they realize what having a real job, and being laid off from that job feels like.
  • Most likely to be fired for looking at porn at work.
  • Most likely to become the office, IT Bully.
  • Most likely to shove a TPS Report up their micro-managing supervisor’s ass and blame it on a case of the Monday’s.

Parenting Awards:

  • Most likely to turn their uterus into a clown car and have a litter of children on fertility meds after waiting just a little long to start a family. And then film a reality show.
  • Most likely to dress their children as Ewoks, Jedi, or bounty hunters until they are 13 and old enough to protest.
  • Most likely to accidentally put their kid in a washing machine.
  • Most likely to use baby leashes on kids over the age of three and end up on the news.
  • Most likely to become an alpha mom while trying to replace their careers with parenting and running the household.

Social Media Awards:

  • Most likely to keep re-hashing their junior high drama on Facebook every day well into their 40s.
  • Most likely to win Twitter with a stellar boob avi.
  • Most likely to google the word gunt after they see it on Twitter, while hoping it means goat runt and is not another word for fupa. Then spend at least ten minutes considering words they could create with other letters and the nasty c-word, and eventually settle on funt (fun+c-word that I still won’t write here). Go Funts!
  • Most likely to gain thousands of followers by exclusively tweeting about how everyone else is doing Twitter wrong.
  • Most likely to post a bathroom, mirror self-portrait on Facebook with yeast infection cream and an unflushed toilet in the background.

That’s about all I can think of today.

Anyone want to add an award to the list?

Did you ever receive a yearbook award?

Did you ever have to fake your way through a date while dying inside because you had ringworm from snuggling your new puppy, and you hoped no one would notice?

No?

I win the Josie Grossie Award then.

About these ads

21 thoughts on “If Real Life had Yearbook Superlatives

  1. Okay Rachelle, here’s the deal – If I’m late for a meeting at 1pm, which is in less than 1/2 hr, I’m gonna catch hell. So this will be a two part comment with 1st part now, and 2nd part later.

    My biggest impressions of high school:

    1. My frustration in 7th grade that the same girls who liked me last year, now didn’t want anything to do with me cause they for hot for the bad boys who would inevitably treat them badly.
    2. My elation a couple years later when I discovered the girls who were just as frustrated, because most guys were chasing the really attractive but vapid girls who’s beauty was only skin deep.
    3. My even greater elation when I realized that these “left behind” girls were not only intelligent, talented, creative and funny, but also almost as sexually desperate as I was, and that we could get together and help each other with this… carefully.
    4. My confusion about being dumped on by lots of my classmates for being a “brain” with a big vocabulary, and a teachers pet, even though I was constantly in trouble with most of my teachers, because of my wise ass attitude, and frequent contempt for school authority.
    5. Realizing how weird many of my classmates thought I was, for being an Art major, excelling in English (when I did the assignments) and also being a three letter varsity jock in football, hockey, and baseball. And liking that they thought I was weird and hard to figure out for that reason. :-)
    6. Having lots of friends because I was outgoing and sociable, and also lots of enemies because of my obvious contempt for the kids who thought they were at the top of HS society, and I didn’t know my place.
    7. More than a few fist fights that I almost always won, because I had years of experience of fighting with my three older bigger and stronger brothers.

    And… to be continued!!!

      • Thanks! Now that I have more time, I read through your post again, and I’ve been laughing at much of what you wrote. :-D Enjoyed you naming your puppy Alexis so you could answer question of what you got for 16th B-day with “A Lexus” :-) But getting ringworm sounds nasty, and makes the more common problem of acne seem not quite so bad. Although I remember this one poor kid from HS who’s face was so covered with acne, that he might have loved to trade his acne for ringworm.

        Post-High School Reality Checks were funny and also seemed like realistic fates for some people, since I knew a few from my own experience.

        Enjoyed your various awards categories, and I could really relate to the Work Award, “Most likely to shove a TPS Report up their micro-managing supervisor’s ass and blame it on a case of the Mondays.” because I almost did something similar to my supervisor this afternoon, except that I couldn’t use “Mondays” excuse, since it’s Thursday. Hmm… Is there an “Everyday seems like a Monday working for you!” excuse?

        Lol @ most likely to post “bathroom w/inappropriate background” award!

        I always thought that it was ironic how the biggest bad asses and borderline criminals in my HS were most likely to become cops after they graduated. Yes, it’s funny, but it’s also absolutely true. Lol

        Nope, no yearbook awards for me – I was more well known for thinking that HS was like a POW camp, and that it was my duty to escape, which I often did, at least temporarily, and while confined in HS/POW camp, it was my mission to subvert and disrupt enemy/faculty operations whenever possible. Only awards for this were lots of detention and those very unpleasant parent/teacher/student meetings.

        Uhm.. answer to your last question is No, but I’m sorry it happened to you, even if it was 16 years ago.

        But I can still relate in a way, because the truth is that I don’t remember my HS years kindly – there were too many really mean spirited kids and a constant “Lord of The Flies” brutality being inflicted upon the weak and unpopular kids, and even though it usually was some other hapless kid getting his or her self esteem crucified, I hated seeing it happen, and I hated the kids who did it. My happiest day of HS was Graduation day, and getting the hell outta HS never to go back.

        Thank God it was nothing like that in college… a whole different and hugely better scene in so many ways.

      • Yeah, it was pretty gross, and I can’t believe I admitted that happened to me, but it cleared up in a few days and I’ll never make that mistake again, now matter how freakin’ cute puppies are with their floppy neck skin and puppy breath.
        Every day seems like Monday is just as good, and there is nothing quite like a micro-managing boss to incite some bad behavior.
        The cop phenomenon is a great observation too. We had a few of those as well.
        Oh well, I am very happy that high school is over with the exception of seeing these people again on FB, college was definitely better, but nothing beats real life and how most people just finally grow up :)
        I wish I’d had your irreverance and outgoing personality when I was there though, because it would have been a lot easier for me if I had given less of shit about all of it.

      • My irreverance and outgoing personality was often a double edged sword that cut both ways, since it frequently got me in trouble and sometimes hurt my own education. If I enjoyed a subject, I’d do the work required and almost always Ace it, but if I didn’t like a subject, I’d refuse to do much of anything and keep one eye half open just enough to get a D.

        I used to tell people with a smirk, that I was an A & D student in HS, but this was actually true, and why I graduated with a high C average.

        It’s not like there was no discipline at home, in fact quite the opposite, but my mom used to say that I was as stubborn as the day was long, and no amount of punishment, however severe, seemed to deter me.

        I almost flunked out of my first year in college because I was living on campus, and there was no one to even try to make me do anything that I didn’t want to do.

        But a certain “revelation” that I won’t go into now, turned all that around, and the next three years of college I did a complete and total turnaround.

      • I was an A, B national honor society student, but I really didn’t even try as much as I should have.
        My irreverence came later and I threw a pretty stellar reputation into the crapper when I discovered how much fun drinking could be.
        It took me three semesters to flunk out on my first attempt at college. I moved back to Texas, got a minimum wage job for a couple of years and then re-enrolled at a new school, started over, and graduated with honors.
        Nothing like a taste of the real world without an education to get you motivated to do better.
        PS-someone responded to one of my comments on your Minnie Mouse post and I can’t tell if he is really agreeing with me or sarcastically trolling, so I’ll tell you here that since I can’t tell, I’m not going to respond :)

      • Wow… I’m beginning to think that we’re cosmically related in some way, and I’m serious, because although I only know you from online here on WP, which means that I don’t really know you anymore than you know me, I still feel like I’m getting some sense, however incomplete, of who you are. And while we are different in some ways, the similarities seem to be increasing.

        That you were an A, B national honor society student impresses the hell outta me, but I’m not surprised, cause I’ve suspected that your intellect has some formidable firepower.

        You discovered how much fun drinking could be? Me too! But I may have started earlier than you, because I was getting drunk almost every weekend at age 16 in my HS junior year. When they dropped the legal drinking age here in MA from 21 to 18, it made buying alcohol and even getting into bars easy for 16 year olds like me, because they were so lax about checking IDs back then.

        But alcohol wasn’t the main reason I almost flunked out of my first year of college… It was a combination of feeling like I could pick and choose which classes that I would go to, depending on my mood, and majoring in pot smoking, with a minor in LSD.

        My drug use impaired my ability to concentrate to an increasingly serious degree, and I was starting to fade even in the courses that I had always excelled in before.

        I would have been gone from college just as fast as you were your first time around, if it hadn’t been for my first real experience with tragedy.

        My best friend in college in my freshman year was a guy who was the most brilliant person I’d ever known up to that point in my life, and after many deep and long conversations, he and I became very close.

        He was also a genuinely compassionate and friendly person, as well as tall, Scandinavian blonde, deeply blue eyed, and just devastatingly handsome. The girls literally used to flock around this guy, and in short, he had everything going for him, in almost every way.

        Until the night that he accidentally massively overdosed on LSD, and destroyed his own brain forever. In one night, he went from being a brilliant genius with all the promise in the world for great future success and his whole life out ahead of him, to a barely coherent severely retarded ruin who had to be institutionalized.

        I was just devastated by what happened to him, but as a result of my grief for my best friend, who had died, but who’s body was still living in a forever useless existence, I was finally shocked into the realization that life was a game that could be forever lost, and in terrible ways.

        I finally understood that drug abuse was a great way bring down your own irrevocable self destruction.

        I was heartbroken and grief stricken, but I was also transformed like never before. I completely stopped smoking weed, and just the idea of acid horrified me. My head soon cleared and I got deadly serious about trying my absolute best in all my classes, and I graduated with a 3.58 GPA average.

        You made a great comeback of your own, and yes, there’s nothing like a taste of the real world without an education to get motivated to do better.

        Or in my case, to have a devastating head on collision with the cruel reality of the real consequences of taking foolish risks. Enough so, to hurt my eyes wide open and finally see, as well as comprehend what can be gained in life, and all that can be lost.

        The comment? I checked out the blog and there are at least three bloggers writing there, and I couldn’t even find the one who replied to you. If you are more comfortable with not responding, then don’t, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

        Thanks for opening up and sharing with me, Rachelle. I appreciate it, and I felt moved to reciprocate with my own story. Sometimes I have to remind myself that we’re on a public forum here… and to use wisdom accordingly, but this time I don’t care.

      • I think we have a lot in common and could probably chat for days if we knew each other in real life. And solve quite a few of the world’s problems :)
        I am so sorry about your friend; that is one of the most devastating stories I’ve ever heard. I can see how something like that could change the course of your life forever, and I’m glad you got away from the drugs when you did.
        I can honestly say I’ve never tried LSD and have only seen it once; some kids dropped some out in a desert in NM, painted their faces with glow in the dark paint, and tripped balls all night while I watched them hallucinate. Not my favorite party, but the dunes are pretty cool at night without any chemical enhancement. Acid has just always scared the crap out of me, and after hearing your story, I’m even more relieved that I never tried it.
        It’s great that you turned it around, and it’s amazing what we can do once we get convicted and motivated to do it.
        Only mentioned the comment in case it was one of your regular readers. I wouldn’t want to offend an online friend of yours intentionally by ignoring them because I can’t read their tone :)
        I’m so sorry again. That is just a gut wrenching story.

      • I’ll bet that we could chat for days if we knew each other IRL. Solving quite a few of the world’s problems is a tall order, but I know that we’d come up with some good ideas, that might even work if anyone would listen to us…

        Thanks for your sympathy, and yes, it was devastating, but it was also 36 years ago. There are still moments when I think of him, and the thought that always comes back, is that because the worst happened to him, I was saved. But to this very moment, I wish that somehow we both could have been saved.

        It’s good to know that you also found the conviction and motivation to turn your life around, and I’m sure that you are as grateful as I am that this was possible – since I’m sure that you also know of others who didn’t make it.

        I hope you’ve been enjoying your weekend, and thanks for the kindness of your reply here. You are definitely someone who makes me very glad that I found WordPress, and even better, that I found your blog. Or did you find mine? I guess at this point it doesn’t matter, since however it happened, I’m glad that it did, and thank you! :-)

  2. I’m not Josie Grossie anymore! I love that movie. In our yearbook we were allowed to buy a page and give our friends awards. I got the award for “biggest boobs.” So proud.

  3. Haha, I love the “most attractive” statement. So dead on. I’m still in my twenties, and it hasn’t even been 10 years yet. But looking on facebook you would think some of my classmates were in their 40’s. So true. I think it’s justice.

  4. I never received an award or notice, but then I don’t think people knew what to do with me. I was the A/B honor student who could pull off the total light shining through the back of my head vapid airheaded look. I had lots of friends but was part of no groups. I was pretty and loved flirting with the guys but was also one of the guys. Their girlfriends hated me. I was not embarassed to be silly in public. I never went to a school dance, tasted alcohol, tried drugs, smoked or went out on a lot of dates. I did however have some rockin’ parties at my house on a regular basis and attended our regular church youth dances where I danced every dance.

    I won’t tell you the year of my highschool graduation because I have five children that have already graduated. I have noticed however that the best looking boys in my highschool seemed to be fat and bald by the time they were in their 30s. Most of the nerdy/geeky lookin’ boys turned into handsome and sexy men. Ironic isn’t it.

  5. I’m glad that people didn’t have custom awards. I probably would have gotten “Most likely to be a serial killer.” I used to make jokes about going off on gun sprees. It was the days before Columbine, so people didn’t make a big deal about it or anything, but I really regret doing so.

Okay, you talk now.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s