Do you have neighbors?
Do you have ballsy neighbors?
Do you have neighbors who like to party?
Have you ever spent an entire Saturday night fuming and plotting an elaborate revenge you will never carry out against these neighbors when the road goes on forever, and their party will never end?
Well, that’s how I spent my Saturday night.
Our backyard neighbors like to throw parties sometimes. It seems like a lot, but it’s probably only three or four times a year when they turn on the porch flood lights that light up our bedroom like the mid-day sun, crank their shitty taste in music to obnoxious levels, and force me to passively participate in ravey club night in the ‘burbs.
Unss, unss, unss (that’s a bass line).
This didn’t bother me much before we had a baby, but nothing will make me go old lady like someone keeping my daughter up all night. We’ve become the people who wait until 2 am, and then call the cops. I know. I know…we are narcs and more than a little hypocritical, but babies change everything.
This revenge will take some coordination with other neighbors, but I think I can set it up before the next rave.
- 21 Power Tool Salute: Sunday, 5:59 am. At 5:59 am precisely, 21 surrounding neighbors will turn on their loudest power tools (chainsaw, lawnmower, weed eater, air compressor, nail guns, and power washers). You chose to drink yourself stupid and go to bed at 4 am. So, these power tools will run for exactly 45 minutes. Preferably as near to your bedroom window as possible. A short intermission will follow to allow you just enough time to fall asleep again.
- Purge the Leftover Fireworks: Sunday, 6:59 am. It’s not safe for me to have all these Black Cats around, so I will light them one by one and throw them into your yard at one minute intervals. Enjoy!
- Get a New Roof Day: Sunday, 7:59 am. I can’t believe it’s get a new roof day the morning after your party. So weird. I know, it will be hard to find a roofing company to come on Sunday, especially when I have no idea when the next party will happen, and I don’t need a new roof. Maybe they accidentally start on your roof because I give them the wrong address. Either way, enjoy the pounding of the nails in perfect time with the pounding in your head.
- Bouncy House Day: Sunday, 8:59 am. It may be a bad idea to inflate a rented bouncy castle in my backyard with all the nails and shingles flying off my roof, but I’m willing to buy the insurance. Since you so generously made your rave kid friendly last night, and the sounds of children up until 4 am and their over-tired, why are my parents such assholes, screams are still ringing in my ears, I will return the favor and invite every child I know to come jump and have a screaming contest in this bouncy house. Kids love screaming contests, you know?
- Rotating Solicitor Day: Sunday, 10:00 am. Still not up yet? Well, your doorbell is about to start ringing. Girl Scout cookies? Have you heard the good news? Would you like to join my pyramid scheme? Can I ask you about your security system? Did you know that Direct TV is saving Time Warner customers up to 60% on their cable? Would you like to sign this petition for the Americans Against Inconsiderate Neighbors Act? I was just trying to read your water meter, but I can’t find it under this enormous pile of Bud Light bottles. Could you help me locate your meter?
- Real Cat Fight Training: Sunday, 11:00 am. This one would probably take more cats than I could find. And they probably wouldn’t fight on demand anyway, or during the day because they are cats. Maybe I’ll just find some angry women to come yell in my backyard for an hour or so.
- Intercept your Pizza Day: Since you are hung over and probably having food delivered to you today, this is where I wait for the delivery guy to bring you some lunch, and replace your greasy toppings with pimento cheese and thickly sliced raw carrots. I’ve heard this is the best pizza to cure a hangover. Eat up party animals!
- Panic Button on the Cars Day: For the rest of the day, everyone on your surrounding streets will press the panic button on their car alarms every hour on the hour and let them honk until you come out of your house crying. Good luck with that afternoon nap.
Everyone has their breaking point. Mine is 3 am when I have to be up at 6:30 am and I can hear your music and asinine drunk conversations through my ear plugs and the pillow over my head while sleeping on my couch to put another wall between me and your shitty club music.
Anyone else have a great, “payback for your party idea?”
I may not carry out any of these other plans, but I will go old lady and call the cops if it happens again anytime soon.
I might even write a strongly worded letter to the HOA because that is really my only other option.
Who’s the asshole now?