Plotting an Elaborate Revenge

Do you have neighbors?

Do you have ballsy neighbors?

Do you have neighbors who like to party?

Have you ever spent an entire Saturday night fuming and plotting an elaborate revenge you will never carry out against these neighbors when the road goes on forever, and their party will never end?

Well, that’s how I spent my Saturday night.

Perfect image google, thanks! credit:

Our backyard neighbors like to throw parties sometimes. It seems like a lot, but it’s probably only three or four times a year when they turn on the porch flood lights that light up our bedroom like the mid-day sun, crank their shitty taste in music to obnoxious levels, and force me to passively participate in ravey club night in the ‘burbs.

Unss, unss, unss (that’s a bass line).

This didn’t bother me much before we had a baby, but nothing will make me go old lady like someone keeping my daughter up all night. We’ve become the people who wait until 2 am, and then call the cops. I know. I know…we are narcs and more than a little hypocritical, but babies change everything.

This revenge will take some coordination with other neighbors, but I think I can set it up before the next rave.

  • 21 Power Tool Salute: Sunday, 5:59 am. At 5:59 am precisely, 21 surrounding neighbors will turn on their loudest power tools (chainsaw, lawnmower, weed eater, air compressor, nail guns, and power washers). You chose to drink yourself stupid and go to bed at 4 am. So, these power tools will run for exactly 45 minutes. Preferably as near to your bedroom window as possible. A short intermission will follow to allow you just enough time to fall asleep again.
  • Purge the Leftover Fireworks: Sunday, 6:59 am. It’s not safe for me to have all these Black Cats around, so I will light them one by one and throw them into your yard at one minute intervals. Enjoy!
  • Get a New Roof Day: Sunday, 7:59 am. I can’t believe it’s get a new roof day the morning after your party. So weird. I know, it will be hard to find a roofing company to come on Sunday, especially when I have no idea when the next party will happen, and I don’t need a new roof. Maybe they accidentally start on your roof because I give them the wrong address. Either way, enjoy the pounding of the nails in perfect time with the pounding in your head.
  • Bouncy House Day: Sunday, 8:59 am. It may be a bad idea to inflate a rented bouncy castle in my backyard with all the nails and shingles flying off my roof, but I’m willing to buy the insurance. Since you so generously made your rave kid friendly last night, and the sounds of children up until 4 am and their over-tired, why are my parents such assholes, screams are still ringing in my ears, I will return the favor and invite every child I know to come jump and have a screaming contest in this bouncy house. Kids love screaming contests, you know?
  • Rotating Solicitor Day: Sunday, 10:00 am. Still not up yet? Well, your doorbell is about to start ringing. Girl Scout cookies? Have you heard the good news? Would you like to join my pyramid scheme? Can I ask you about your security system? Did you know that Direct TV is saving Time Warner customers up to 60% on their cable? Would you like to sign this petition for the Americans Against Inconsiderate Neighbors Act? I was just trying to read your water meter, but I can’t find it under this enormous pile of Bud Light bottles. Could you help me locate your meter?
  • Real Cat Fight Training: Sunday, 11:00 am. This one would probably take more cats than I could find. And they probably wouldn’t fight on demand anyway, or during the day because they are cats. Maybe I’ll just find some angry women to come yell in my backyard for an hour or so.
  • Intercept your Pizza Day: Since you are hung over and probably having food delivered to you today, this is where I wait for the delivery guy to bring you some lunch, and replace your greasy toppings with pimento cheese and thickly sliced raw carrots. I’ve heard this is the best pizza to cure a hangover. Eat up party animals!
  • Panic Button on the Cars Day: For the rest of the day, everyone on your surrounding streets will press the panic button on their car alarms every hour on the hour and let them honk until you come out of your house crying. Good luck with that afternoon nap.

Everyone has their breaking point. Mine is 3 am when I have to be up at 6:30 am and I can hear your music and asinine drunk conversations through my ear plugs and the pillow over my head while sleeping on my couch to put another wall between me and your shitty club music.

Anyone else have a great, “payback for your party idea?”

I may not carry out any of these other plans, but I will go old lady and call the cops if it happens again anytime soon.

I might even write a strongly worded letter to the HOA because that is really my only other option.

Who’s the asshole now?

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30 thoughts on “Plotting an Elaborate Revenge

  1. Rachelle,
    “Get a New Roof Day” or any renovation is payback, at least for Le Clown. We have a 2 1/2 year old girl, who never really slept well until not too long ago… There was a time when our downstairs landlord would start his renovations around 7am, and wake up the toddler…
    And. As a recovering alcoholic, nothing hurts more than early morning noise, except an empty bank account.
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown,
      As a person who used to drink myself stupid at nearly every social function I went to, Get a New Roof Day is the worst punishment I could think of for the morning after a binge drinking party. The early morning rennovations are awful for anyone, but especially for those trying to sleep one off.
      The empty bank account hurts almost as much as the search for your (I mean my) lost dignity.
      Drinking is awesome? (Confused ex-partier battle cry)

  2. Might be my fave right here. Unss Unss Unss…21 Power Tool Salute…Brilliant. I know what you mean, we all used to be those assholes. In addition to your pelvic floor, kids really do change everything. Could also be a valuable teaching opportunity for “doorbell ditch” or “how to disconnect the outside cable line”.
    But if you’re really pissed…pass the neighborhood hat around and order them a clown-o-gram to persistently ring the doorbell at 7am, them have him sing them an anonymous dancing jingle about what assholes they are, then hand them a bottle of excedrin with a balloon tied to it.

    • Thanks Tracy! It’s amazing how when you aren’t partying anymore, the repeating, overly loud drunk stories lose their appeal. I like your ideas here though. Excedrin still seems to be recalled in Austin. Can’t find it anywhere, which probably sucked for them Sunday. Not as much a singing clown-o-gram, but I bet they were looking for it.

  3. You’re so right. Babies change everything. I was fine with whatever people wanted to do in the past, but now I find myself getting cranky with people in the afternoon because HELLO…it’s NAP TIME. SHUT. UP.

  4. Brilliant. And thank heaven I’m not the only one who fantasizes about such revenge! :) Call the cops. Don’t wait until 2:00 am. Nothing will help your HOA like documented complaints to the police. If you’ve got a decent city noise ordinance, you can call whenever you want. Even if it’s 7 in the evening.

    I think the power tool salute is my favorite. :)

    • I’m honestly a pretty non-confrontational person, but these fantasies make me feel so much better. We’ve actually gone over there and asked them to keep it down, and my husband has gone into their backyard (with their permission) to readjust the tilt of the spotlights, but still they keep doing this. That was when we started calling the cops. Glad you liked the plan though :)

  5. I am still wiping the tears (of laughter, of course) from my eyes after reading this hysterical blog. I apologize for being so entertained by your frustration, but maybe it’s because I have been there and can now look back and laugh. Wish I had a clever anecdote, but I was fortunate enough to move away from the disturbances… Police never seemed to inspire new attitudes & the HOA was pretty ineffective in our neighborhood… very best of luck to you!

    • Very true, the police almost never inspire new attitudes about this sort of thing, and the HOA makes people downright hostile :) I’m glad that you got some laughs from it though; that was the primary motivation for writing it. Thanks for commenting, and I’m glad you were able to move away from your party block!

  6. Ha! – Love It! Some neighbors could invest sometime training their dogs to not bark in my hood – almost makes you want to snap. We are not loved in our hood and I say WHATEVER! Have a Great Week:)

    • Oh boy, the barking dogs. I have a dog, and I get so embarrassed when he starts yapping out in the yard. We don’t leave him out there when he starts going crazy, although now that I think about it, he might have broken up the party if I’d put him out and let him bark at the drunk people that night (at least until they saw him because he is a big, goofy Lab). You have a great week too! Thanks for commenting!

  7. Oooh, this was hilarious. I’m sorry it had to come at some painful personal expense, but, hey, at least we’re all here to laugh, right? And did I catch a Robert Earl Keen reference? Love it! I can only say that getting all the neighbors to change trash/recycling day to the day after said party couldn’t hurt. And, really, any back-ho device or large truck capable of making that “eeeek eeek eeek” which is the universal sound for “Get outta my way, or I’ll back up over you.” I hope they move. Or get better taste in music and lighting.

    • It feels much better to laugh about it than to be angry about it, so I’m glad you enjoyed it. You absolutely caught a REK reference. And yes, the eeekkk, eeekk, eeekk, of the trash trucks would be a very nice addition.

  8. Ew. I feel your pain. I’m in an apartment with paper for walls, and my neighbor enjoys clubesque “music” as well. Furthermore, her Wireless Network name shows up on my computer as VampireLover, and her hairless cat is an escape artist who prefers my backyard. Poor cat. Sometimes I think about setting it free, if it weren’t so stupid and ugly.

    • VampireLover and a hairless cat? Apartment living is way worse for the noise pollution though, especially with bad music. I’m so sorry that you can relate to this post, but thank you for commenting!

  9. If through some strange twist of fate, you and I ever become neighbors, please remind me to never piss you off. All your ideas are brilliantly diabolical, as well as very funny, and even kinda scary… Like I said, I wouldn’t want you plotting that level of revenge against me… cause you play rough! But I doubt this will ever really be a problem.

    My job is such that I work some nights, so I need to sleep during the day. We have neighbors next door who employ a lawn service, and yes, there’s nothing wrong with that… Except when I’m trying to get some badly needed sleep, and around 9 AM, the lawn service has two loud lawn movers, a loud weed whacker and an incredibly loud leaf blower, ALL running at the same time.

    They say that even the most virtuous man could be hanged ten times over, for the content of his thoughts… I’m not even all that virtuous, and I wouldn’t dare reveal the content of my thoughts, when when that lawn service shows up in the morning, while I’m trying to sleep, and suddenly my bedroom is louder than Logan International Airport on a very busy day for multiple take offs and landings.

    All I’ll say, is that I have entertained certain fantasies that feature big explosions and flying body parts. But ONLY as fantasies… and I know that yes, even that much is wrong, but it’s still true, and enough said about it.

    • I get mad about early morning lawn service too. I think anyone who likes to sleep in a little does, which makes it the best revenge :)
      If you were my neighbor, I wouldn’t be plotting revenge against you. I rarely hatch evil, passive aggressive plans about people I like!

  10. You should know that my reply quickly snowballed into a 1000+ word rant which I will not subject you to. Basically, I rent and have incredibly inconsiderate and hypocritical neighbours. We share a small alley and they have one of those box airconditioners that hangs out a window right which is right outside of our lounge room. It has a loose ball bearing and it emits this high pitched whistling sound that makes you want hire a hitman. I haven’t done this yet, but I consider it often: I want to pee into their noisy airconditioner. Your advice will be taken into consideration.

    • Haha! Believe me, this started as a 1000 word rant, and I had to reign it in to try to make light of my anger that night! That air conditioner sounds terrible. I can’t believe it doesn’t bother them as well. I’d suggest wire cutting, or rubbing stink oil on the vents so that horrible smells pass in through the vents. Pee could accomplish that too though and would probably feel a lot better :) Thanks for sharing your neighbor story!

  11. THANKS for making me laugh out loud again! I vote for the 21 power tool salute!
    Have I mentioned my neighbor who is a cable guy and backs up his beeping ( literally) cable van (8 feet from my window) everyday at 6:15am – ok I know some of you get up that early everyday and would consider that no big deal but I gave that up with corporate life and would just like to rise each day at the civilized hour of 7am – is that asking so much?

  12. First, let me just say that I Envy you guys because I can’t do jackshit about my situation here.
    I’m now surrounded by super-rich kings and queens (or so they think they are) living in McMansions and a new breed of homes you could call McCastles. They have power, money, influence, friends in high places, and pretty much OWN the local police. They look Way down on me in my very moderate little old house. They do what they want. I can’t can’t sleep at night because of the Spotlights mounted on their palaces shining into my windows. Every night. None of these pretentious pigs can ever get enough attention and the on-upmanship game is out of control for them. If they want to litter on my property, they do it. If they want to leave skid marks on the side of my grass, they do it. Nothing stops them and if I so much as walk near their house they’ll call the police for fear of a “vandal” out to do their harm, crying Trespasser! and so on.
    The police serve Them not me. Whenever I attempt to seek revenge, the shit backfires on me. Seems that everything you do these days is being monitored by surveillance cams, and these paranoid dicks have everything they need in force to safeguard their precious asses. I can’t make a phone call without Caller I.D. taking down who I am and where I live. They’ve got friends and ass-kissers all over the neighborhood to keep tabs on me!

Okay, you talk now.

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