I Love You Warts and All

I think I’ve established that gross and embarrassing things happen to me a lot. I won’t bother you with too many recaps, but I spent time as Hillbilly Hank when my front tooth got knocked out, I got ringworm in high school from a puppy, and I accidentally pushed my dog off a bridge trying to yield the jogging path to an aggressive jogger. Good times.

Here is another fine example.

When I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, I got a bad case of school/daycare germ-tank, kid warts on my hands, wrists and knees.

This is not uncommon for children, and they typically outgrow them as the immune system matures.

That happened for me, but the damage to my self-esteem was already done.

There is quite a stigma around this particular virus, including but not limited to being the type of kid who lets frogs pee on you. I grew up in the country and read all the frog to prince fairy tales–I’ve actually had a frog pee on me before. Not on purpose, and not because I was trying to kiss one, but when you pick frogs up, sometimes they really do pee. I guess they are scared, but it is as gross as it sounds.

My mom took me in for various treatments. My doctor burned them, froze them and sent me away with medicine that I was supposed to apply each day.

I had trouble remembering that I was supposed to put the medicine on, so like any 6-year-old girl with an early obsession for to-do lists, I made a list to remind me.

Here’s a recreation of that list to the best of my memory:

Dear Warty,

Don’t forget to:

  1. Wake up
  2. Brush teeth
  3. Do warts
  4. Eat some Fruit Loops
  5. Color something
  6. Be a kid and not earn your keep in any other significant way until you turn 22.

My brother saw this list and made fun of me without mercy for years. Every time I saw a frog, I would start crying and wonder why they didn’t pee on him too.

I don’t blame him, I guess.

I would have made fun of him if he’d been the one to get them, and I’m making fun of me now.

After a couple of embarrassing grade school years and a half-dozen painful treatment they went away.

Then a few years ago, I got another wart on my finger.

This is really just an advertisement for more Purell and fist bumps at this point.

I’m pretty sure it was a gift from my step-mother who had developed a particularly disgusting case of them on her hands was huggy and hand touchy when she got drunk, which was always. I really needed another reason to hate her.

I drew eyes on mine sometimes. No I didn’t. Ewww. credit: bentimagelab.com

I tried every over the counter treatment I could find, wore band aids most days, and waited as long as I could for my immune system to resolve the virus on its own. Every time I thought something had worked, it would come back. I finally went to see my doctor yesterday to have it frozen off.

I went into the office last week to pick up some paperwork for my husband, and made the appointment.

I could barely even bring myself to say the words out loud, “Umm, I need to see if Doc can freeze this wart off or refer me to a dermatologist,” and when I did finally say it, the receptionist recoiled and gave me a disgusted look.

I laughed, and said, “I know. It’s gross. Maybe do some work on your poker face though. You want to shake on it?”

As I waited for my doctor to get to the exam room yesterday, I realized that the walls in his office are very thin.

I got to hear an in-depth conversation between my doctor and a man with a raging case of hemorrhoids that I’m pretty sure violated all the HIPPA laws.

But I felt a little better, because I wasn’t the only one there for something funky.

We talked for a minute, he asked me why I was letting frogs piss on me, we laughed, and then he went to get what he described as snake venom.

Liquid nitrogen.

He brought it back to the room in a styrofoam cup, which doesn’t seem like the best container for liquid nitrogen, but I didn’t go to med school so I didn’t comment.

He froze it, it looks disgusting and angry today, but I hope this will finally get rid of the damn thing.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing about this. Possibly just to gross you out, or maybe to take the embarrassment power out of it like I did with my super attractive, broken tooth.

I looked for funny information about hand/feet warts and there are some nasty articles out there but this quote was the clear winner today.

“Every wart is a mother wart that can have babies.”

Remember that.

All the guys find me irresistibly attractive today. I’m sure of it.

I don’t expect many comments on this post, but if it wasn’t a pretty common experience, there probably wouldn’t be so many Dr. Scholl’s commercials out with the Super Mario Bros Mushroom Man getting squished by the OTC freezers.

Just call me warty.

I’m kidding, don’t.

I will internet kick you in the face and cry like I’m six again.

I might even find a frog and make it pee on you.

(Important and obvious note: frog piss probably doesn’t cause warts)

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26 thoughts on “I Love You Warts and All

  1. If frog pee did cause warts, that’s how you could get revenge on your noisey neighbors! I’m not sure how exactly, but we would find a way (assuming I would be there for it for some reason).

    • La La,
      Frog pee don’t cause warts. With 4 tanks and 10+ frogs, I would be covered. But some are poisonous, though, and can cause serious skin rash… That COULD be an angle…
      Le Clown

  2. Don’t you love all the nasty little viruses out there, just waiting to strike at the worst possible moment? But your right, the store shelves wouldn’t be filled with all those “treatments” and “cures” if nobody got the horrid things. Maybe liquid nitrogen could be used in some way for your neighbors’ next party?

    • Hahaha! I’m sure there are some revenge tactics where liquid nitrogen would come in handy. The viruses make me want to stay in a bubble in tub full of santizer at all times, but it’s just not realistic :)

  3. Would now be a bad time to admit that I’ve actually kissed a couple of frogs in my lifetime? The real ones, not ugly men, though I’ve had my share of those too….

  4. This is funny in a “not making fun of you” way, just a funny “haha good post” way. My husband likes to go outside and bring weird animals in the house. He’ll go out and get snakes and lizards and this and that and feel the need to show them to me – right up close all up in my bubble and stuff! One time he brought in a frog and it peed on my carpet!

  5. Dear Warty,
    I still think you’re really pretty.
    Husbandio had a bit of a wart problem on his finger when we first met and a psychic once told him that it was because an evil spirit had attached itself to him. Are you plagued by evil forces?
    Curious in Canada

  6. Lol this is quite funny. Not picking on you, but the wart thing. Would it make you feel any better if I said, I have one on my finger now and it won’t go away for nothing !!! It kills me to look at the side of my middle finger and see that nasty little thing. I hate it !!!

  7. Wow… I guess that your readers love you warts and all too, judging from all these warty comments. So here’s one more… I was 14 yrs old and I noticed a wart about the size of a BB on my left index finger knuckle. It didn’t really bother me, but one day when I was stuck in school in study hall, but not studying, and very bored, I decided to use my jack knife to just cut my wart off. (yeah, I know that’s weird, and yes, I still am today) Since I kept my blade very sharp, I thought that one quick cut, and my wart would be gone.

    And even better, since I’d be bleeding, I’d require some first aid – so I’d get out of study hall and get to go to the nurse’s office, and that nurse was kinda pretty… even pretty hot! :-)

    Cutting off that wart was more painful than I thought, but I grit my teeth and succeeded in cutting the whole thing off. But I had NO idea how much that spot from where my wart had been removed, would bleed, bleed a lot, bleed even more, and continue to bleed without stopping.

    Soon I was a bloody mess, and not only did I get a trip to the nurse’s office, but an additional trip to the ER as well. And later, a stern lecture from my father on the subject of common sense, and Dad wanting to know why the hell I didn’t have any!!!

    But it was the first and only time that I have ever attempted even minor surgery upon myself, and that is the only good result from my misadventure with self removal of warts. Lol :-D

    • LOL, they bleed like only a mother wart can. I’m sorry to laugh at your story, but it is pretty funny. I’m just sorry you had to go to the ER instead getting to stay with the hot nurse until the bleeding stopped!

    • Ahh, thanks! The feeling is mutual. And thankfully this one seems to be gone forever, proving that I should have gone to the doctor way sooner.

Okay, you talk now.

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