I don’t feel very funny today. In fact, I feel like having an Eeyore day and staying in my pajamas all day and writing depressing poetry.
But, I cannot.
Since I’d rather not subject you to depressing poetry day, here are some notes that I’d like to delete from Evernote.
- Sitting at a light behind a Buick. Buick. Byoooooo—Ick. Buick. Buick. Sounds like me puking. Do those plates say TorqPup? They do. Get your phone camera! Too slow…damn.
- I went to the park recently and there was a pre-teen child on the basketball court. There were orange cones set up and she was running weird drills while her dad coached her from the sidelines. Dad was overweight and was enjoying a bag of cheese puffs and an extra-large diet soda. He was sitting in a lawn chair in the shade yelling at her to do better. He never once got up from his chair. And that’s how Olympic athletes are born.
- With all the complaining about Mckayla Maroney’s bitch face, we overlooked a really important person in that competition. The old lady vaulter. Freaky.
- The best drinking game is, “Looks like I’m gonna have to dance.” Not my joke. I heard it on comedy radio along with other popular, real life reasons to drink including, “I hate my life, my job sucks, it’s Tuesday, and other people make me uncomfortable.”
- Why are all these mannequins dressed like headless whores? Me at the mall.
- No, I would not like you to thread my eyebrows. Please stop chasing me with lotion. Have kiosk owners always been this aggressive? This tweet received zero stars, so it’s probably not that funny. Good try, Corky.
- I worked with a woman once who got really excited by the new coffee maker in our office. She said, “Look, it even makes those Chu-lateees like Starbucks.” Translation: Chai Tea Lattes. Freakin’ Texas.
- WTF isn’t lazy enough. We should drop the what, and just say TF and TH now (the fuck? and the hell?). That’s a real time saver.
- While I was unpacking yesterday I shook out some clothes to make sure there were no scorpions in them. A hitchhiking horse fly buzzed out of a t-shirt and flew around the house disoriented, pissed, and confused. Then I smacked it with fly swatter. I win, nature.
- If you can say Happy Hump Day without picturing everyone air humping things, you are more mature than me. Are you picturing people air humping now?
Happy Hump Day everyone!
Drops the mic and air humps off an imaginary blog stage.