Last weekend was my husband’s company Christmas party.
A few years back, before everyone had children, they were legendary, all weekend, booze fests. They used to rent out cabins near the lake, gather around a bonfire, and drink. Good tequila was passed around. Blackouts, melted shoes, and falling injuries were common.
This year, they cut the party down to one night; a cocktail hour, dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, and a night in a relatively tame, hipster hotel on South Congress.
It was the first time I’ve been able to attend since my daughter was born. It was also the first time I’ve left one of those weekends without a crippling three-day hangover.
Times have changed.
Part of the evening included a White Elephant exchange.
The gifts from this group are usually funny, gag gifts, with one or two bottles of liquor or other nice presents thrown in to give people something to fight over.
My husband and I walked away with the Chuggler and a pair of handcuffs.
Why didn’t I invent this? credit: sarashoup.com
Other highlights included:
- The Poop Basket: An assortment of enemas, stool softeners, laxatives, and a hard-cover bathroom book defining and describing the different kinds of shits we take. Ex: The Soft Serve.
- The Sexy Santa Basket: A bottle of wine, sexy santa boxers, a very large, santa g-string, some lube, and a box of Fun Bumps condoms. I still can’t decide if Fun Bumps is the best condom name or the worst condom name ever.
- Unicorn Meat Gift Bag: A bottle of, “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals,” hand sanitizer and a spam can of unicorn meat–an excellent source of sparkles.
I need a case of unicorn meat, please. credit: perpetualkid.com
- Fondue Pot and Omelet Maker: Second hand from Goodwill, we found out later.
- Mad Dog 20/20: Our contribution, because my husband loves nostalgia…or hates his coworkers.
Several people included scratch-offs with their gifts. I opened one that had two $30,000 prize scratch-offs and they were stolen by two of our best friends. I don’t want to know if they win because that would suck…for us anyway.
After an uncomfortable incident later in the night involving some of these scratch-offs, I have a new rule for White Elephant lottery tickets.
To set the scene for you, when we arrived at the hotel, we gathered near the outdoor bar and patio for some pre-dinner drinks. There were not enough tables, so we all sat around the smallest pool ever drinking Modelo from plastic cups. Hipster beer and wine list–Modelo was the group choice. It was that or Lone Star.
We noticed that there was a quarter at the bottom of the pool, and placed bets about who would be drunk enough later to go get it.
Frank the Tank* was the front-runner.
After dinner and the exchange, we returned to the pool. Frank’s wife, who is also 8 months pregnant, was preparing to check the scratch-offs she ended up with from the gift exchange.
Frank changed into some shorts, dove into the pool, and obtained the lucky quarter for his lady.
A few moments later, she proudly held up a $5,000 winning ticket.
She passed it around, had other people check to make sure she wasn’t seeing things, and it did appear to be a winning scratch-off.
We were all excited for her, and she began talking about all the things they could buy for the nursery for their third child with this unexpected and delightful windfall.
It was a happy moment.
Until…
My husband returned from a quick trip to our room to drop off gifts, took a look at the ticket, and informed her that it was a joke scratch-off. The fine print confirmed this, but in her defense, it was dark around the pool, and there were several gifts that included real scratch-offs.
I didn’t even know that these were a thing, so I was surprised and disappointed for her. Joke scratch-offs moved quickly to the top of my list of meanest gag gifts ever.
Imagine if it was a huge amount, and some drunk, unsuspecting co-worker got excited enough about his fake winnings to cuss out the boss and quit.
Best Christmas party ever?
Okay this would be pretty funny, but probably not for the drunk, impulsive co-worker.
So here’s the new rule; if you buy these, make sure you are around when the recipient checks them to let them off the hook before they get really, really excited.
The guy who bought them felt terrible when he heard what happened, but in a gift exchange like this, you can almost guarantee that it won’t be obnoxious guy who ends up with them, it will be the people who could benefit from a financial gift the most.
Just something to think about, and the reason I generally stay far away from practical jokes.
*Not his real name.
Oh, my. No $5,000??? I would not have had the guts to do that. But, oy, what a gag!
Nope, no $5,000. It was quite a gag, it was just sad that it was so convincing. They look so real!
Fun Bumps sounds more like a nickname for something else. Or perhaps the world’s smallest condom… Lotto tickets are fairly cheap. Buy the real ones people! The chances of winning are still pretty minute, but why bother gifting fake tickets? Meh.
The name brings quite a few pictures to mind, doesn’t it? I can see the appeal for specific people, but to throw it into a general pile of gifts…it’s just too much potential for a real letdown. Thankfully, both of them have a fantastic sense of humor, but I wish we hadn’t all believed it!
right there with you on the mean practical jokes.
Also, never announce the lottery winnings until you have the check in hand.
Then all bets are off.
hehehe…
That is a very good rule to live by, I will keep it in mind should I ever win a lottery!
I just recently learned about White Elephant gifting. Shows how out of touch I am. But I think the bearer of “The Poop Basket” wins for creativity!
I’ve seen those joke lottery tickets. I agree. Mean. Mean. Mean.
Funny enough, the woman who got the fake scratch off was the creator of the poop basket. Their other gift ended up being our MD 20/20 so I felt especially bad for them! Sooo, so mean, and they look so realistic. White Elephant seems to be a fairly recent thing, well at least in the last 10 years or so. I consider myself with it if I hit on something in the same decade it becomes popular
I just learned about Elf on the Shelf. And now I want one.
Good rule. Why isn’t the obnoxious guy ever a victim to the practical jokes? And why do I want the The Poop Basket?
I want it too.
The first thing I thought when I read the description was, “That’s a pretty useful gift!”
They never get the random acts of practical joking! I kind of wanted the poop basket too. The book looked really funny.
I’m still confused about the chuggler… handcuffs can be fun
I should have explained that better. It’s just a mini beer bong. We are at least 20 years past beer bongs, but I thought it was pretty funny
The handcuffs are still in the box, but hey, you never know where that might lead. We’re just happy it didn’t lead to real beer bongs and real handcuffs from the police!
Word ~
There are YouTube videos showing people who thought they won and then their reactions when they realized it was a hoax. Very cruel. It sounds like you had a good time at your party – I think. Nice score on the Chuggler – I think.
Oh, I will probably need to watch some of those. I bet they are painful. We did have a wonderful time. It was very nice, and change is a good thing. The Chuggler is still making me laugh.
So harsh when you finally get something you want as a White Elephant gift, and then it’s a hoax. Hard to not feel ripped off that you are losing money you actually never had.
Unicorn meat with sparkles? Wow.
Yes, I would have been so let down. Oh yeah, sparkles and magic in every bite!
You had me at melted shoes.
Hahaha! The dangers of drinking around a bonfire are many, but melted shoes are in my top ten list.
OMG I felt the disappointment deep in my gut. Totally not cool.
It was such a bummer, especially because I know how much stuff they really need. They have two boys and are expecting their first girl, and everyone was so freaking excited for them.
That’s a mean gift, granted I would laugh, but mean nevertheless.
What happened to cow tongues, chicken feet and rotten veggies as gifts?
Unicorn meat sounds like a nice gift to me.
We did laugh, but there was that moment before they started laughing. Oooof.
Unicorn meat sounds magical!
I’m not sure what happened to the other meat and rotten veggies for gag gifts
Wow, Rachelle. Major bummer for the friend with the lottery ticket. I agree that may be taking it too far. Because you’re right, the person who wins in this case will be someone who really needs it. I’ve never heard of these tickets either. It’s interesting how times change when everyone has kids. Sounds like you guys used to really party it up and were quite the wild bunch! On the bright side, at least you weren’t hungover!
It really was. It was all in good fun, but that one should have come with a little warning, in my opinion. Fake scratch offs shouldn’t be scratched without the giver present! It is amazing how things change, but it was still a very nice, very fun, and certainly more mature party. With no hangover and no lost dignity, I’m a fan of the way things are now.
Those are the most amazing gift baskets and gifts in the history of gifts. I wish my husband’s coworkers were half that cool/clever.
It was so funny. Had I known the gifts had evolved to this point in my two year hiatus, I would have been shopping for days for something funny too. I had no idea. But they are a wonderful bunch of people. Work functions are always fun with this company.
Oh my goodness that would totally stink!!!
I would have been so sad!
I was at one party where they gave those gifts. One woman gave her child’s old potty seat – one of those that sits inside the toilet. I think it was Elmo. All the women tried to pass that one around, as if it had a potty training curse.
Hahaha! Oh that’s terrible. I bet they did pass on that one
Oof. I winced at the lottery ticket thing. Mad Dog 20/20 sure brings back memories. Or lack of memories…
Right?
I’d say you got the best of the white elephant gifts…
Kind of what we thought too.
Dude, I would have wanted the fondue pot and omelette maker!
I did almost steal the omelette maker.
Sounds like an amazing group of crazies! The scratch thing…not so much…
I forgot, “melted shoes”, best two-word image maker I’ve seen in a while!
They are very crazy! Mean joke for sure.
joke lottery tickets that is just too far. Poop books ok, fake money not.
So true.
I love the white elephant gift exchange. We use gag gifts all the time to make the conversation and banter turn even more fun. I agree that it can go to far, so we should consider the gift before we wrap it and through it into the pile.
Your group sounds like a fun bunch. Our recreation team at AlbinoPhant will use some of your crazy ideas to adapt the unique gift exchange party ideas that we write about.
You might like the “Lefty the White Elephant story” that we are using in our gift party this year.
Happy Holidays and successful gift swaps to all….
We attend a very similar party each Christmas eve with my husband’s extended family – up here we call them “yankee swaps” and the scratch tickets attached to the crappy gifts are the main attraction. To date we have never had the joke scratch-off ticket but I am thinking we need to get ourselves one for next year. ( or better yet the “poop basket!”) I personally love a practical joke, but always judge whether or not the person can handle it. In a mixed crowd I think it is better to play it safe but if you know the crowd/person and they can handle it – go for it!
Bottom line: Joke with caution!
(ps that would be the best company party EVER if the recipient told the boss to shove it based on the joke lottery ticket!)
The poop basket was a big hit! I agree that you have to be with people who can take (and are expecting) a joke. I would have laughed and felt terrible if someone had chucked a job over a joke ticket though!