Oh Yeah, I Still Have a Blog

Maybe you’ve noticed, (probably you haven’t) I put the lid on my blog in early December, set the heat to low/simmer, and continued through the end of 2013 in mostly silent internet mode. I didn’t tweet, didn’t keep FB abreast of all my feelings, not that I ever really do, and I didn’t blog, comment, or even read much on WP.

Isolating has been a hard habit to break in 2014. It was nice to disconnect with what had begun to feel like a superficial and at times an unsafe online world, and it forced me to reconnect with my life in a real way.

I needed the time away–I might not be done being away just yet.

The holidays were an easy excuse to step back. We left town on December 19th and the family visits didn’t end until January 2. At that point, and while I enjoyed family time immensely, I was at what I can only describe as my introvert breaking point. I needed a week of mostly solitude to recover.

The other reason I pulled away is that in early December, I started going to therapy again.

It was something I had been wanting to do for a long time, specifically to address my issues with shyness and social anxiety. Blogger Interactive helped push me to take this step, and so far it has been a good one.

But it has also been a difficult one.

I’ve been to therapy before, but it was with a series of marriage counselors before my first blessed union went down in a dysfunctional, resentment filled blaze. I continued sessions for a time after my divorce, but eventually stopped because I felt better after losing 200 lbs of man baggage and therapy ain’t cheap, yo! Holy shit it is so expensive. Like, car payment expensive.

There is quite a difference in going to therapy to attempt to salvage a marriage and going in with the intent of repairing the broken parts of yourself without filtering them through the lens of a relationship.

I didn’t have the best experiences in marriage counseling and often felt that I was just sharing a mediated hour of communication with someone who wanted the therapist to hold my arms back while they dick slapped me with my every flaw and failure, which were and continue to be numerous (I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be that, but that’s how it made me feel).

But I decided to give it another chance, and I’ve found someone I like and trust.

Oh Wow...that's an impressive collection of bags you've brought in today.

Oh Wow…that’s an impressive collection of bags you’ve brought in today.

Unpacking your issues with a new therapist is an interesting experience, and maybe five sessions in, I finally feel like I’ve provided the Cliffs Notes version of my family dynamic and 35 years of living. I had a humor post planned for this very topic (I might have even made a flow chart), but as I tried to write it while also re-living it, the list of life shit sandwiches didn’t seem very funny.

Interestingly enough, after years of using this blog as an outlet for my feelings, I have felt less of an urge to write publicly about them. I’ve been walking around feeling like I accidentally ripped scabs off every emotional wound I’ve ever experienced and it’s an uncomfortable place for me. It’s a place I haven’t felt compelled to share because I don’t owe anyone complete emotional transparency, as much as it can feel that way when you are trying to put up real and honest content that people connect with in blog-land.

My goal for 2014 is health. That one-word clichéd mantra is my objective for the year, both physically and mentally and I have some work to do.

Some of it I will share here (for example, I’m starting Bikram yoga again this weekend, and I assume I will have some sweaty ass, detox stories to tell) and some of it I will continue to process in offline writing because it isn’t all up for public consumption.

I have missed so many of you profoundly over the last few weeks, and I will continue to read, and comment on what you’re writing.

And I’ll post when I feel like it because I’m back.

Kind of.

Maybe.

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62 thoughts on “Oh Yeah, I Still Have a Blog

  1. I MISSED YOU! It’s great to find someone in the field who can be trusted and helpful in the right ways and I wish you all the best. Health is a great goal. :)

  2. I noticed you were gone – and you know you had me a sweaty detox Bikram Yoga!!! B

    Therapy is expensive – but we are worth the money to find internal peace.

    I’ve been pretty absent these couple of months and it feels like the write (ha ha) time to get going again. We all need a break from everything once in a while.

    Enjoy Yoga – I’ll be there tonight with a smile and thinking of you!
    If it makes you feel better, my husband informed me that my post-Yoga clothing smells like cat pee :) And my son loves to come up to me and ‘rate my stench’ – you gotta love your family!

    • We do all need a break sometimes, and I look forward to hearing from you again as well.
      I’m laughing so much at the post yoga clothes smell. I always have to start a separate hamper just for these sweat bombed clothes, that do generally smell like cat pee. I haven’t been since I got pregnant with my daughter, so I can only imagine what kind of toxins will come to the surface at this first class.

      • For me – it was the 2nd or 3rd class in that really generated the most noxious smell from my body (I could smell my OWN self…so you know it was bad) and when I mentioned it to the instructor, he was thrilled! Hee hee… Have a great time in class – you’ll love it.

  3. Yeah, I noticed your absence.
    Glad to hear you’re taking time for yourself, and I’m actually angry for you/on your behalf that you don’t feel safe online. (Tho I’ve been reading some disturbing stuff lately.)

    Have fun at Yoga! I’ll be at a hula hooping class tonight. I’m going with my wife since she came to the ukelele lesson yesterday.
    So if you look for me, I’ll be the one panting uncontrollably while coughing up a lung.

    And here’s to mental and physical health for us all!

    • It was a much needed step back, Guap, but I’m happy to be back, even tentatively.
      I hope that you will post about hula hooping! I have a really fun mental picture of that, panting and coughing and all.
      Cheers to getting healthy, one day at a time!

  4. Welcome back, Rachelle, I’ve missed you. I’ve been kind of fading in and out myself, but I did notice your absence. Here’s to a healthy 2014. Health is everything. I applaud you for taking care of yourself. This blog will always be here for ya if you need it and me too!

  5. You have NO idea how parallel our lives are right now, even our goal gor 2014 is the same. Reading this made me feel comforted, knowing someone else out there is right there on the same page with me. As you know, I started therapy months back, but I’ve just begun to really get below the surface because I’m not an easy nut to crack. I’d say only in the last couple of months have my emotions risen to the surface, and life has been rough (my bank account also thinks it’s rough.) I had to take a step back from blogging as well because I needed to take care of myself.

    I am so happy for you, I really am. You are such a wonderful person (I speak from experience now so no arguments!) and I think you deserve all of the happiness in the world. The fact that you’re going out there and trying to get it means you believe that too.

    My inbox is always open, even if you just want to rant and rave about a bad hamburger you ate.

    • It’s hard to explain how those first sessions feel. It’s great to get these things out though and turn them upside down. I don’t know if I’m a tough nut to crack yet or not. My response to a general, “can you sit with that feeling for awhile?” was “Hmm…can I not sit with this feeling? I don’t really care for this feeling at all.”
      It comforts me to know that we are in a similar place with this too, and you inspired me to jump on the therapy train, so thank you for that.
      Please, feel free to link here, and I look forward to seeing your writing again.
      And you know, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a bad hamburger…even when they’re terrible, with enough cheese, they are still pretty good.
      My inbox is always open to you as well.

  6. Your health, mental or otherwise has to be your priority but hopefully it won’t stop you posting the stories you decide you can share. None of us has the right to ask you to air open wounds online and you must be the one who decides when enough is enough. You have a a group of friends who know how important you are, a group of people who just enjoy your company and maybe the odd idiot who’s forgotten how to behave towards people online because they can’t face things in their own life.
    It’s your blog and we’re here on your terms so try to stay around and perhaps enjoy the company.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  7. I did notice a little void but no worries, you know this blog-thing has to work for you, and your readers will get used to whatever pace you decide to set. Someone told me that, because I’m not so quick with the posts, and it made me feel much better, so hope it does for you too. I’m glad you are working through what you need to during therapy and found someone you trust. Just a note about transparency and sharing–that is a tough balance. I have been having a hard time with it too and as a result I started a 2nd blog that is out there but I don’t publicize it. It’s off topic and my writing is weak but at least I can post whenever I want without fear of neighbors and family reading it! It’s kind of a nice release. And it’s so great you are focusing on health! My favorite subject. Please do keep us posted and we can cheer you on :) Take good care!

    • Thank you! I’m not too quick the posts either, mostly because it takes me quite a while to process things. I appreciate your support, and I like the idea of 2nd blog. I have just been using a journal for all the recent feelings, but a password, and protected server might be even better. I appreciate your support!

  8. This post really speaks to me. I also abandoned a blog, started another and….left it fallow for months while I worked out the separation anxieties of my separation from my husband. I’ve seen therapists for years (thank god for health insurance!) and it was during marriage counseling that I realized I didn’t want to save something that was dead, I wanted to leave while there was still time. So I did.

    Social anxiety, yes. I know that well. I’m the introvert’s introvert which almost guarantees I’ll never met another man again which might be just as well. Hard to say.

    Thanks for coming back.

    • Thank you for commenting. I came to the same realization in marriage counseling, and I guess part of me wanted those therapists to say what I couldn’t. Just leave…you’re done.
      Anyway, glad this spoke to you, and I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with separation and anxiety. It’s good to be free though isn’t it?
      Best to you!

    • It’s important to find a good one, although there’s no way to know until you are in there with them. If both parties are committed to trying to save it, it is definitely worth it. If not, then my feeling was it just delayed the inevitable, and what I had already decided to do–which was leave the situation.

      • That’s how I feel. It’s just delaying the inevitable. My story is complicated and my husband first needs to seek anger management before I even think about counseling for us. Thanks for sharing.

  9. Continue to do what you have to do for yourself. (that was a very round about sentence!) Welcome back and don’t feel any pressure to write or what to write about. If it feels right then do it :)

  10. It’s so good to know that your hiatus is for a good reason, perhaps the best of reasons, so thank you so much for letting us all know. I love the line “I don’t owe anyone complete emotional transparency,” because its just so damn true. The only person you owe anyone to is yourself, and you get to make the rules for you.

    That said, I selfishly hope that your focus on your health eventually circles you back here because I love your perspective on life and your stories. I want more!

    Until then, sweaty namaste.

    • Haha! Sweaty Namaste to you too :) Thank you for your support and comment, and I’m happy that you liked that line. It could have been the whole post for me, actually, and sometimes I wish I didn’t have to bury my point in so many other words!
      Thank you again!

  11. Therapy, with the right therapist, is extremely beneficial. I hope you’re able to get everything worked out. Come back in your own time. As always….if you need a friendly ear…my email is hidden somewhere in this comment and you are more than welcome to use it. Just don’t spam me, mkay?

  12. Yes, you’re absence was noticed! (Oh, yeah, it’s Aron… had to change my Uncle Guacamole name due to some technological thingamabobble.) I even wondered whether I had accidentally un-followed you, but then I checked and saw that you hadn’t been posting. So glad you are sort-of back. You know how I feel about your writing. I have a lot to learn from you. Blessings!

    • Hi Aron! Thanks for saying that, because I recognized your blog addy, but not the name. I have to check that all the time too. My reader doesn’t seem to work right all the time, so I go in a randomly unfollow and refollow people when I think it’s being glitchy. I think I probably have a lot to learn from you too, but I appreciate your kind words about my writing. Let’s keep at it :) Blessings back to you!

  13. Gahhhd your marriage counseling sounds horrible! I’m glad you’re with someone you like and trust, and for a different reason. Take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you get back. I totally get the introvert thing. I posted something today for the first time in over two weeks myself. The holidays wear my ass OUT, and I too need that first full week of January to recover and be quiet-ish. Take care lady – this will be the year of health for you – hooray!

    • Molly!!! The marriage counseling was pretty terrible. I’ve been reading your recent posts, but still kind of hanging back on the commenting and what not. But I’ll be back to it all soon, and know that I love, love, love your writing. I still kind of feel like I have a holiday hangover :) Talk soon!

  14. So, I didn’t know you were missing because I was missing, too, but I love that you are so candid and sharing your life. I think this post is a little push for me to check out some therapists, too. I can’t say that I love the hard work, but I think it’s time for me to go down that road again. OR maybe I should just do yoga. I hear you on the “health” thing, but one person’s cliche is another’s truth. You rock that truth, girl. Get your healthy on.

    • I think a little therapy can bring only good things and perspective if you are struggling. It’s made a huge difference in my life in a very short time. I’d also like to get into a more meditative yoga. Anything that can bring peace, basically.

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