Category Archives: People Love Lists

Imagine trying to explain something simple to a toddler.

Something like, “You have to hold my hand when we walk through a parking lot.”

You can visit any Target parking lot and immediately see that words are pretty ineffective at getting this point across. Kids are running around loose, adults are distracted because they just spent $200 when they went in for toilet paper only, everyone is hungry for popcorn, junior is crying as mom pulls him off the giant red balls out front that some other kid who was potty training probably just peed on…it’s chaos.

Now, imagine trying to explain to a toddler how to control pee muscles.

Squeeze?!?!

My view for the last six weeks.

I haven’t been writing much lately, and that’s because for the last six weeks, we have been in, “we’re really going to do it this time, no giving up because mommy isn’t ready to deal with the mess and stress, PT boot camp.”

And potty training is terrible.

I’ve been talking about it for so long, that I almost can’t believe that K is starting to understand the concept.

Even though I swore off parenting books when she was six months old, I did buy three books about potty training because I really didn’t know what to do. Now that she’s almost got it, I can’t really explain what finally made her understand that she had control of the whole thing. It just finally started to click.

The books were largely unhelpful, set some unrealistic expectations (three-day potty training method?!), and made me feel inadequate as only a carefully written parenting book can do.

So I’ve prepared a list of my own notes on the experience:

1. Relax, and try not to let them see how important it is to you.
2. Prepare to be stuck at home for a while.
3. If you aren’t the one staying home training don’t blow up the potty training bathroom before you leave for work every day. Remember those who will be sitting in your stank for most of the day.
4. You will notice how grimy your bathrooms are because you will be sitting on the floor of yours for hours every day. Keep your cleaning supplies close at hand to pass the time.
5. If they walk behind a couch or disappear into a closet, they are probably pooping.
6. It’s okay to back off and try again later if you don’t think they are ready. Honestly. It’s okay.
7. Poop on the floor is gross but part of the process. Texting pictures of accidents to your spouse with turd puns is funny, posting them on Facebook is just nasty.
8. For comic relief, read the Story of Farts. Wonder why they are sitting in a bathtub together, just farting. This picture is so weird.
   

   So much wrong with this picture.

9. Be mindful of your reactions to accidents. For example, if you say, after accident number twenty of the day, “Goddamnit!” congratulations, you have a child who will not stop saying, “goddamnit,” every time they pee their pants. I can’t stress this point enough. It does not go over well on Easter Sunday.
10. If nothing is working, try closing the door and giving them some privacy while they sit.
11. If you buy Dora underwear, you will walk around all day reminding your child not to poop on Dora, while secretly thinking that would be hilarious because Dora sucks.
12. Over the top, ridiculous praise even when you’re tired. Make up cheers and songs. M&M’s are powerful motivators. Buy enough for both of you.
13. Find something they can do while they sit. iPhones, books, coloring, throwing a ball back and forth. Whatever keeps them sitting there. If possible, pick their favorite, and only let them have this while they are on the potty.
14. Some kids are scared of public bathrooms. Mine is not, in fact, she loves them. The dirtier the better. Bring sanitizer.
15. Relax and understand that it is going to take more than a weekend for most kids. If you’re both crying and frustrated, put the pull-up back on and go do something fun. The potty will still be there tomorrow.

That’s about it really. There’s not much to it except to take off the diapers and let them have accidents until they understand. It’s gross, and frustrating, and easily my least favorite part of parenting so far.

If I had to pick, the three tips that I would pass on from the books I read are:

1. Put them on the potty after meals and 40 minutes after they’ve had something to drink for the best chance of success at catching anything.
2. Set a timer. In addition to the above, trying once an hour worked best for us. When the timer goes off, she knows it’s time to try even if she doesn’t have to go and there is less fighting.
3. Don’t ask them if they need to go, just tell them it’s time to try. It will still probably be a power struggle. Don’t make them sit for more than five minutes at a time. Put them in loose-fitting clothes that they can at least remove on their own.

She’s still having accidents sometimes and probably will for a while, but I’m happy to say I think she’s finally getting it.

And my parenting didn’t have much to do with it.

They all get it eventually, on their own time.

Interesting fact from the book: healthy people let loose about half a cup of gas in every fart and release on average 2 cups of gas a day.

So relax, buy the Fart Book, and best of luck to you.

As always, feel free to share your own stories in the comments.

I’m going to do my best to permanently retire the subject.